


My fatal Desire

by turva_auto



Series: Formula 1 [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-02-28 01:55:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2714663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/pseuds/turva_auto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can you fall out of love and still think you don't give a fuck about everybody else? Do you manage to get as cold as ice or do you lose yourself while trying. What are you willing to sacrifice for your goals?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> story: slash  
> written by: trtina  
> written in: december 2014  
> Disclaimer: NC-17  
> Pairring: Sebastian Vettel/Kimi Räikkönen , Sebastian Vettel/ Heikki Huovinen  
> Claimer: The boys are themselves No money, just fantasy nothing true  
> Warning: OOC, sensitive material
> 
> Excuse me if it's not too correct, I'm no native.
> 
>  
> 
> * "Fick dich doch!" means go and fuck yourself in German.

 

This race weekend was the shittiest one he ever made. Not only had he missed the pole position and got a drive through penalty because of that fucking british wood piece named Lewis Hamilton who was driving that trash can named McLaren which was only a piece of metal shit. No not enough for one weekend, he also had a fight with his best friend and the person he had fallen for dearest.

Sebastian was annoyed at himself, Red Bull team was just as annoyed as he was and except Heikki he was sure everyone would hate him for fucking up the Qualification.

It wasn't just the summary of all the circumstances setting the German into a gloomy mood it was something deeper, yet not that unknown to him either. He wasn't pleased with his latest results, knowing he could do better if he forced it out. But no matter which button he pressed nothing seemed to change.

He trudged out of the pit towards the motorhomes avoiding looking at anyone in particular who was around the paddock.

Heikki was rushing after him and Sebastian couldn't resist but shut the door right into his face. He wanted to be left alone, not talk to anyone or listen to whatever rambling they would come up with. There was no excuse, he simply fucked it up and now it was too late to correct it. His throttle and break rhythm timing was off hand and focusing on the track seemed harder then ever.

“Sebastian opening up that fucking door!” Heikki pleaded with him but he stayed put in front of it, on his ass, knees tugged up under his chin staring of into space pretending to be deaf to the rest of the world. If they ignored him or laughed about him or hated him it was all fine if he ignored them as well, that's what he kept repeating in his mind. He listened to Heikki's frustrated talking and sighs as he obviously told the rest of the team about not being able to get in touch with the Wunderkind.

We wasn't that glorious anymore. He was just one big mess who fucks up all the time he sat a foot on a pedal, that was what he felt even though no one asked him for. They did simply expect him to be always on top and he somehow haven't managed to keep up with it a the moment. Maybe the car would have been faster if he wouldn't suck at training like he used to. Heikki was giving him lectures for ages that he did need to build up more muscle to fight off the G-force and that he shouldn't be such a lazy shit whenever Sebastian took time to rest for a while and sort out his head like now.

German Wunderkind they called him as if he would be some sort of second Schumacher. He was just Vettel an average boy of Heppenheim who loved to drive cars, he never wanted to be a second Schumacher and most of all he would never be as glorious as his idol of childhood days. Vettel knew he was frustrating himself by the merry second the thoughts were passing through his mind. Hearing Heikki finally admitting defeat and walking off and a comment of his team mate Webber made it through to him.

“Is Wunderkind sucking again and went to sulk?” The comment hurt indeed, comments like these were the reason why he hated the Australian down to his guts. He always managed to make him feel even more guilty and never missed a moment to make sure Seb was aware of his picking on him. Sebastian banged his head against the close door with force in frustration growling a low: “Fick dich doch!”*

He needed something to take the edge of things now that they would at least leave him to himself for the next hour, before Heikki would be bugging him again. Time out like a child that had stolen a jar of candy. He knew he was working himself up on it by the second and finally got to his feet trudging to the middle of the room over to the table before settling on the floor again to do a few crunches and push ups. Sport was always a good thing to help him relax. Of course he was whining at Heikki usually when they went for a run but he rather did it because they expected him to do so, to keep up his mascarade and face.

In secret he was more than font on sports and spent a lot of time practicing when no one was watching. In addition it helped him to loose weight whenever he ate all the so called dangerous foods that made Heikki mad at him.

But he never wanted anyone to pick on his eating habits and the nights out when they were all having sort of team dinner were the worst. Everyone seemed to be staring at his plate, insulting him with their gazes. Not to mention the healthy diet shit Heikki spent hours on to talk into his head. Sebastian hated every single moment of it.

Stopping for a moment in his movements to check on his phone he noticed no news so far, no missed calls and no texts. Obviously Kimi was still pissed off with him, he wished for nothing else than be able to hug the Finn again. The ice cold men who had stolen his heart without option for return. Sebastian sighed getting back to his training , feeling the sweat trickle down his forehead, down his neck and soaking the racing overall he was still wearing and which made it harder for him to move, mind wandering off to the night before at the hotel.

They had just arrived from the airport for testing at this race weekend, barely being able to settle in hotel when all were ordered for one of these so hated dinners. He had been glancing over to Kimi from his seat, watching him nursing his plate with disgust, stuck between Alonso and Jean Todt who held a conversation above his head.

Britta had nudged him every now and again to catch his attention but Seb was too lost in thought to even realize his attention was required. He wanted to get out of this room, he wasn't hungry just picking at his dinner every now and again, scratching the fork across the plate every once in a while. Kimi was the only thing keeping him from rushing out of the room, because he knew Kimi was the only one out of all of them who knew how anxious and awkward he felt about these dinning sessions.

After half an hour and sarcastic comments from Heikki about Sebastian denying the proper food and better not daring to ask for Mc Donalds in return,he excused himself to the toilet minutes after Kimi had left to the men's rest room.

After he had entered longing for nothing else than a hug and a few nice words he stopped dead in his tracks. Kimi obviously wasn't alone and the glances Seb had thought would be directed into his direction were meant for the blonde girl the Iceman had pushed up flush against the tiled wall. Sebastian lowered his gaze in shame and turned on his heal. Was he really reading all the signs wrong? But before he had a chance to exit unnoticed Kimi had spotted him in the reflection of the mirror and barked at him in his usual monotone stumbling over the words.

“What the heck are you doing in here kid.” His gaze glued to the tiles at his feet Sebastian had just shrugged, he wasn't in need of the loo anymore nor in need of anything. He just felt stupid and intruding.

“Stop staring at least and go.” Kimi grumbled before grabbing the blonde again and nailing her to the wall. He had rushed out of the rest room not even stopping by at the table but went straight to his room too hurt and disconnected to bother with anyone. He ended up 2 hours straight on the treadmill, running till his lungs screamed in agony and his legs hurt to deal with the disappointing feeling. Over the past weeks he had gotten closer to Kimi so he thought, but obviously he was paying his country every respect and simply shagged everything that would be hold out on offer. Kimi didn't just left it at there, he came to find Sebastian exhausted and panting for breath on his bed in his hotel room and they had a senseless fight over their nonexistent relationship, with the Finn telling him off and where to go rather directly.

“Just go and fuck yourself Vettel! Deal with it was just fun.” these word had burned themselves in his mind, ripped his heart apart and he wasn't sure how to handle that. Not sure what he did to upset the other driver and his best and almost only friend on the paddock. At least one of these who could read his thoughts and know what he was going through. Of course they had ups and downs every once in a while but they were as close as brothers with the addition of lovers when one of them was in need and Sebastian had thought Kimi would honor that. He obviously just gave 2 shits about his feelings after all, playing him like a Gameboy.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mökki: the typical finnish summer cottage, usually a tiny cabin nearby a lake in the middle of fucking nowhere. 
> 
> Saatana helvettin!: literally Satan in hell, is mostly used as “What the hell!” Or “Oh fucking hell!”, can also be translated in a sarcastic way saying: “Oh dear lord!”
> 
> “Ich hasse dich!” - I hate you!
> 
> Nyt – means, now
> 
> “Lass mich in Ruhe!” - Leave me alone!

Sebastian was still perched up against the table as Heikki knocked an hour later at the door of the motohome turning the handle in try, surprised to actually be able and open it as he stepped inside quickly.

Seb was still panting for breath after he had taken out the hard work out on himself, head resting on his pulled up knees, arms loosely locked around and his curly blond mop of a hair in a sweaty state and all over the place. He was close to exhaustion, his head buzzing with waves of dizziness and his throat retching with waves of nausea, not paying any attention to the intruder and still locked inside his memory. His mind recalling hugs he had received from Kimi, movie nights snuggled up against each other at Kimi's Mökki or boat trips, sauna visits and other stuff they'd been doing during winter break and race off weekends.

Each picture hurt, each phrase he remembered burned like acid. Truth or dare? Love or lie? He wasn't sure what was real and what just a plastic dream he might have had, so it made no obvious difference anyway. Tears were wetting the outer fabric of his Formula on robe and he only got aware of Heikki the moment the Finn crouched down in front of him and had put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Something was troubling the little one so much was obvious but it wasn't Heikki's job to check up on his mental issues and typical for his nordic nature he didn't care either. If Seb needed advice he could talk to Britta or Kimi or whoever. Heikki was more efficient in solving health related issues, that's what his job was all about and he knew he was about to face a battle to get Seb to agree on tonight's work out session in the swimming pool, to get him ready and eased for tomorrows race.

"Hey kiddo, got yourself back together? Did you pass kindergarten age for now or another tantrum to be expected?" he asked with a small smile trying to pull a joke. Seb's head shot upwards, eyes big as a plate but the rest of his features lacking real emotion. He looked forlorn and distant, his mind not yet clicked back to the reality judging the look of his eyes that barely seemed to take in Heikki's presence.

"Come on! Pull yourself together and get your lazy bum up, there is dinner waiting for you at the hotel room and a nice swimming session later on." The German driver just shrugged pulling away from his touch.

"Not going. " he whispered stubbornly his voice stressed on each syllable that left his lips.

"Excuse me?"

"Not going!" Sebastian mumbled again, feeling too tired to move himself upright or walking for that matter, let alone doing any energetic movements which could actually lead to him giving into the sickness that was still cramping up his inside, knotting his guts together and sending chills down his spine. 

"Are you serious? You just had one entire hour off for pouting and feeling miserable for yourself. Get going, the car is already waiting to drop us off and you' ll need to do that interview you missed out on within the next hour. " Heikki dragged him roughly to his feet, patting the small of his back for a moment before stirring Sebastian over to the door.

"Seb please stop being a dick and just walk on your own! You're not 3 years old for fucks sake!" Heikki cursed wiping his blonde hair out of the way and blowing against a very persistent strand that kept tickling his cheek. Sebastian only huffed and bowed his head, following his physio' out of the motorhome through the paddock and over to the street nearby, where a Mercedes was already waiting for the both of them. He felt the stares of the other drivers on his back more than actually seeing them, was aware of their whispering as he swayed his way a step behind Heikki, who tugged at his left arm regardlessly. All he wanted was to push the rim of the cap deeper down his face or be a lucky guy vanishing into thin air. His breath still struggled to get back to a normal rate, his heart seemed to be racing out of his chest, breaking through the rib cage in the process and he tried his hardest to not give into the stress and probably ending up hyperventilating.

His vision blurring at the edges and almost collapsed as his ass finally was tugged into the back seat of the Mercedes and they drove off to the hotel a few blogs away. He closed his eyes ready to fall asleep any second while Heikki muttered something sarcastic under his breath which sounded like - Saatana helvettin!

He must have been passed out for a few seconds, his senses returning as Heikki shoved his shoulder roughly, barking at him to get his ass out of the car and moving.

“Ich hasse dich!” Sebastian sighed and followed him down to the lobby of the hotel they were staying at.

“I got that!” Heikki snapped at him.

“So what!” Sebastian retorted like a stubborn kid, Heikki only rolling his eyes in response as they made their way to the elevator and up to the floor they should be at.

“Well you have 10 minutes before that interviewer will knock at your door.” Heikki told him, closing the door as he left Sebastian to his own business. He sat down heavily on the bed, gulping down a few mouth full of water, trying his best to compose himself and set up a half hearted smile as the knock already echoed around the room. He didn't even had time to get changed, still in his racing clothes, he was properly smelling like an ape that just ran off from the zoo.

“Come on in.” He finally replied as it knocked again and he stayed put on the edge of the bed rubbing a hand through his tired face. He didn't even look up nor listened to the rambling coming from the young girl, who held the interview and he didn't say much either. He nodded or shook his head most of the time and when forced to answer more than that he kept mumbling low just like Kimi used to.

“You sound so much like Kimi Räikkönen, Sebastian, are you still in good graces with him?” the question hurt and he smiled, trying to hold the tears at bay and occupied to come up with enough bullshit to make her believe everything was fine. She obviously bought it and left him soon afterwards, being a little disappointed that he refused to have any photos taken, because he knew how awful he still must look like. As the door swung shut behind her he dropped back onto the bed letting the tears have the best of him and burying his face into the big fluffy pillows to drown out his heavy sobs.

Still miserable and half asleep Heikki found him as he came to fetch Sebastian for dinner and his session at the pool.

“Don't tell me you haven't moved an inch since I left you, kid. Just look at the state of you! Get out of the overall and ready for dinner nyt!” Heikki ordered, pulling on one of Vettel's shoes making the lump groan displeased.

“Sebastian, I beg you, stop acting like a kid today. You messed up one race, it's not the first and you are not getting away today either.” Heikki urged with a desperate sigh.

“Lass mich in Ruhe!” Seb whined from under the pillow, knowing fully well that Heikki's German was not good enough to catch the phrase.

“Okay, listen. You have two options. Talk to me and get yourself sorted or I will sort you out like the little boy you act upon.” Heikki threatened him.

“Don't wanna talk with ya, just leave me alone!” Sebastian whined.

“You had your choice!” his physio grumbled grabbing the pillow from above Sebastian's head and dragging the boy up right. His face was red and puffy from crying and he tried to hid himself behind his hands, making it difficult for Heikki to unzip the overall, but the older guy just kept going, not caring about the younger men's unreasonable behaviour. He tugged of his shoes, which clattered onto the carpet with a few coins getting thrown under the bed. This wasn't the first time he had found coins in the younger men's shoes.

“Have you been cheating the weight control again?” Heikki asked as he struggled to get unwilling Seb out of his clothes but was left in silence. Sighing heavily he dragged him of towards the en suite bathroom.

“Okay, get out of the fireproofed underwear and into that damn shower, and you better be ready when I come in here to get you.” Heikki ordered, slamming the door shut with a bang.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I raised the rating of this story with the following chapter because as already stated I might deal with sensitive material. For everybody who has issues with body vision and can't handle it feel warned that this might trigger some of you. So do not read if you do not like.

Sebastian was left to himself in the bathroom groaning in frustration. He showed his middle finger to the door through which Heikki had just excited a few moments ago with a clear demand and turned over to the shower. Maybe he would at last feel better after getting clean and suddenly a thought occurred on him that he should be thankful Heikki didn't dragged him out of his fireproofed underwear or spend more glances at Sebastian's form.

“Sebastian you better get going or I'll get in the shower along with you!” Heikki threatened through the door.

The German almost jumped half a foot in the air and hurriedly dragged the T-shirt over his head before stopping at the long legged pants out of Nomex.

He felt embarrassed at himself and stupid all over sudden, even though his little trick seemed to have worked. Heikki might have spotted the coins in his shoes but not the extra pairs of socks he had stuffed in his underwear to betray the weight watch. He hated the scale with all his passion. Keeping his secret was harder than ever, if you need to jump up for the car balance on it,up to 12 times during a race weekend. Of course some have noticed, that he got skinnier but nothing essential. It was bad enough that everybody in the team who was working with his car knew his weight. If he had learned one lesson well in Formula 1 than it was the importance of weight. He still could recall the conversation he had overheard from Adrien Newy about the new rules that measured the car weight down, left alone the importance of balance and speed.

If his car was too heavy it was slower, if it was lighter it was faster and there certainly was no more room left to make the chassis thinner. That only left one option, he had to loose weight. If he wasn't as fat, the car would be lighter or at least the team could put more fuel into the tank at start, which would result in him needing to pit stop less. Left alone the team didn't need to pay penalty in case he was overweight. They would need to balance it out with fuel or other stuff to aim the weight limit and using less fuel simply because he was too fat would mean more pit stops, lower racing times and he probably wouldn't score a single point. Sebastian tugged down the rest of his underwear and stepped into the shower, turning the water tap on cold. He hated taking cold showers but he knew they were effective, maybe he would feel less drowsy at least. The colder the spray was the more heat his body had to produce to keep his body temperature and the more calories and fat it would burn down, to achieve this result. He shivered after just a few seconds but kept going and washed his hair even though it would get wet in the pool later on anyway. Just another shower would be needed letting him burn down even more calories of the meals he tried not to eat anyway. Turning off the tap he watched the foam leaving his slim frame and disappearing down the drain as he wrapped a towel around his waist and grabbed the bathrobe to cover himself up and dry off, his hair dripping onto his shoulders as he rubbed it dry with another towel tossing it at his feet without paying any more attention a he stopped in front of the mirror above the sink. He couldn't stand his own reflection in there. Closing his eyes he tried to fight back the urge to smash the glass into billion of pieces. Struggling to regain his composure he remembered Kimi's words from summer.

_“It happened, just forget about it! You can't change it.”_

That was one of those typical things the Iceman would say. Live for today die tomorrow. But Sebastian couldn't forget about the past this easily. He was trapped in there like it would be his own Narnija and he couldn't find the closet to get out. Maybe it would be better if he would tell someone, maybe it would help him regain power but as much as he dreaded having a serious conversation with someone , he couldn't think of anyone.

Heikki finally had enough of waiting for the younger lad and entered the en suite again, seeing Seb in front of the mirror staring blankly at his own reflection with frightened eyes.

Heikki sighed before approaching him slowly and snapping him out of his trance.

“Let's get going, time is flying past and you've been in here for ages.” he smiled ushering him out into the hotel room, where Seb grabbed the clothes Heikki had laid out for him.

“Can you leave me alone for a moment.” the driver mumbled staring at the clothes in his hands.

“Don't be such a diva.”

“Than at least turn around.” Vettel begged, struggling with his socks and still clutching onto the bathrobe tightly. Heikki rolls his eyes and turned his back to him. Maybe he should retire from Formula 1 or switch to another driver, Sebastian was being difficult for the past months already. Usually Heikki wouldn't mind dealing with remains of puberty. Vettel was still newbee and so young but recently he seem to spun out of everybody's control. More closed up and reserved, almost shy but at the same time he could throw one of his tantrums and explode like a bomb that set off.

Sebastian kept an close eye on his physio as he hurriedly got himself dressed before giving in and joining him for dinner at the hotel's restaurant. The first thing he did after entering the dinning room was to let his gaze wander across the few crowded tables for a sign of the Finn, but he wasn't around.

“Come on let's have some healthy dinner and get into the pool once we are finished.” Heikki dropped a plate with various stuff in front of Sebastian's face.

“Mhm.” he mumbled picking at the lettuce in a bowl, his stomach giving him hell of a pain by the merry thought of pushing it down his throat or even chewing on it for that matter. The young German took his time to spread out the napkin on his knees before he tossed the fork into the green healthy food, trying to make the best of it. One eye was always on Heikki who seemed to be starving and was all over his plate at once. Sebastian used this moment to shuffle most of the lettuce in front of his mouth but instead of putting it in there he let it drop into the napkin on his knees, hoping Heikki wouldn't catch him. Nervously he proceeded his new hint, making it through half of the bowl and the bread before Heikki leaned back watching him. Pretending to be full, he patted his tummy with a smirk, folding the napkin up and taking another to wipe the oil of the dressing off that actually had made it around his mouth. It was tempting to use his lips and simply lick it away like everybody else would do, but he was too afraid to use control about himself then.

“That was delicious for a 5 star hotel.” the Finn hummed in contentment. Sebastian nodded in agreement, dumping the napkin onto the free chair next to him as Heikki swept his gaze across the room.

“Okay well let's get going.”

“But my mom always said you shouldn't go for a swim right after eating.” Seb tried to interrupt, getting up slowly and shoving his chair aside so Heikki couldn't spot the napkin by accident.

“Bullshit! Come on youngstar, move!” Heikki shoved Seb slightly into the shoulder playfully. He staggered sideways loosing balance and forcing Heikki to grab a firm hold on his arm to keep him from crashing to the floor, kissing the carpet with his face in front of all people. A few of the other dinning guests had already started to turn their heads into their direction.

“Seb?” His physio eyed him concerned, holding the German upright. “Is everything okay with you?” Seb didn't answer, just squinted his eyes shut waiting for the room to stop spinning and blurring. It wasn't Heikki's fault that he lost balance, usually he would survive a playful shove around but this time his dizziness was faster then he was, clinging to every inch of his head, making the word tip over for a moment. In believe to have gained enough self control, he straightened up slowly. Maybe he shouldn't have left the chair so abruptly.

“Seb, say something.” Heikki urged silently looking the boy over for a sign that would tell him if the younger boy might be in pain. His face was ashen, white as a blanket, drained off all color and his lips seem to be dried out. Maybe going for a swim wouldn't benefit him just yet.

“I'm fine.” his protege finally replied not sounding convincing at all.

“Well, I better take you back up to your room.” Heikki told him, not letting his hold relax as he walked Sebastian back to the elevator. There was no use in training if the kid would drown because he passed out. The physio caught Kimi's eye as he and Seb exited the dinning room, but his fellow Finn didn't give any sign of recognition. His lips were pressed in a grim line, his eyes hidden behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! - same as huh`?  
> “Hei Kimi, odota hetki!" . Hi Kimi wait a second  
> “Mitä vittua nyt?” – "What the fuck is it now?"  
> “Ei en välitä!” – I don't care  
> “Mutta...” - But...  
> “Jätä minut rauhaan!” – Leave me alone  
> “Ei.” - No

Sebastian was unaware of Kimi's searching gaze following him as Heikki pulled him into the elevator to get him settled in his own bed. He suddenly was washed away by a wave of bad consciousness about the missed out work out. Nevertheless he let Heikki have his way with him as he was tugged into the warm bed sheets and told to rest, while Heikki would go looking for a doctor, just to make sure that it wasn't anything serious bothering the young guy, might leading to him not being able to race.

On his way to the reception desk he texted Britta asking her to get the test driver ready just in case as he saw Nico Rosberg and Kimi sitting at the table he and Sebastian had left. They were having what seemed to be a heart to heart but a one sided one, since Räikkönen who was driving for Ferrari barely answered.

Nico had been in the hotel gym together with Kimi after the race both training with their personals while having a little chat. Usually they wouldn't hang around for long but today Keke's son seemed to be worried out of his mind and insisted on babbling to him in English of course, since he still couldn't speak Finnish after all with exception of a few phrases he caught by Keke. Thankfully he didn't used them so far in his rant, because his pronounciation made Kimi feel sick to his guts. He wasn't the most patriotic Finn but he hated it if people tried and failed badly. They should either try harder or leave it at rest, nevertheless. He wasn't in his most talkative mood and at first Kimi wanted to tell him where exactly to go with a rude Fuck off, but soon found himself listening intensively to the younger lads words. He was having a rant on Vettel's messed up qualification and told Kimi about what Webber had been telling everybody, who wanted to hear it at the paddock.

“Fucktard, he doesn't let him rest. Arsehole team mate.” Kimi muttered as they made their way through the lobby to go and get dinner. They stopped in the doorway. Nico not really caring why, while Kimi's gaze flickered over the people, spotting Heikki and Sebastian in an instant. They might have had an argument but he wasn't mad at the younger one, not at all. He knew Sebastian for long enough to know how bad he must be beating himself up about todays Qualification. It wasn't even his fault, more like the car sucked, that's what Kimi thought, since Sebastian didn't even make it to Q2.

Kimi wasn't sure whether to enter or not as he watched Sebastian dropping a napkin onto the chair nearby as Heikki wasn't paying attention. He frowned, Nico following his gaze didn't spot anything out of the ordinary and wondered.

“Is it about Heikki and Sebastian?” He asked and Kimi just shrugged his shoulders not even looking at him, as he observed the other two getting up from the table they were sitting at. Sebastian looked exhausted and almost fell over as Heikki shoved him with a laugh, his smile dropping as he held onto the German to not let him crash head first onto the expensive dinning hall carpet. Kimi stepped forward instantly, wanting to rush to his friends side, helping him up and asking whether or not he was okay, but Nico grabbed his wrist in a strong grip, making him turn around with a questionable raised eyebrow.

Rosberg silently shook his head at the Ferrari driver, so they stayed put watching Heikki urgently whispering to Seb who didn't seem to listen, before Heikki grabbed a firm hold around his waist and stirred him out of the dinning hall and past them, with a few suspicious looks from other dinning guests.

Kimi's gaze followed them and he pressed his lips in a grim line. Something was going on here and no one seemed to notice it, except him!

“What about dinner now?” Nico asked, his stomach grumbling angrily at the opportunity making him flush a hilarious shade of pink. Kimi snorted in response and they went to get their plates. He didn't really care if Nico would sit with him, instead he headed straight to the table Sebastian and Heikki had been at, their plates left behind. Kimi simply stacked them up on another and shoved them to aside, before taking the seat Sebastian had occupied a few minutes earlier. Nico didn't seem to mind, dropping down opposite him and started to empty the food in a fast pace. He must have been craving for it until the training, but Kimi wasn't that hungry. Watching Seb suffer was enough to put his appetite off. His gaze flickered to the seat next to him with the used napkin and he picked it up, placing it on the dishes.

“What's that?” Nico asked his mouth full of pasta.

“Shut up!” Kimi snapped a little disgusted by the other German's missing table manners, he seriously was raised outside Finland, or Keke had been too much of a jerk to be hard on him when he was still a kid. Kimi fiddled with the napkin, pulling it open and revealing a lot of oiled salad. He looked over to the half full bowl that was still resting on Seb's used plate and you could almost hear it click into place, as he summed up the situation. Gritting his teeth he felt like he wanted to cry. Nico saw Kimi's jaw working hard as if he would drag his tongue over a broken tooth in thought before he dropped his gaze and started to eat his own meal.

“Weird thing to do.” Nico muttered in-between mouthfuls.

“Ha?” Kimi snorted, pushing his fork into his own pasta making it scrub along the porcelain in the process.

“I mean like.” Nico chewed some more pasta. “Why do you put your food into a napkin? You know like, drop so much while eating?” Kimi refused to answer, he wanted to smack his head onto the table because of the other guys stupidity but at the same time Nico was excused. He wouldn't know the signs of trouble ahead, therefore he wasn't in the Formula 1 business long enough and he did know jack shit about Seb. Kimi knew what was up or at least he had an idea forming itself in his head. He remembered one night long ago, when he and Seb had been up for no good on his yacht in Switzerland. Both sitting in the jacuzzi, Kimi fully on show while Seb preferred to stay in his trunks enjoying Vodka after Vodka watching the night sky and rambling abut life and death. The kid definitely had some issues going on, so far was for sure but Kimi only reassured him to think positive and never look back.

“It happened, just forget about it! You can't change it.” That's what he told him and somehow in their drunken state they had ended up kissing passionately. But Seb didn't remember this bit the next morning, at least the all so talkative German never mentioned it again. A small smile formed on Kimi's lips as he finished off his dinner, the memory of the kiss replying in his head.

“I think Webber is too hard on Sebby you know. He's treating him like shit and no one seems to defend him, that's not fair. Ron Dennis once had to part them in the back room before the price giving, because they almost ended up on each others throats.” Nico mumbled.

“When was that?” Kimi asked frowning.

“I guess Germany Grand Prix last year. They were almost biting each others head off! Lewis said he was afraid they may fight and I swear, Seb probably would have punched him in the eye. Would have served him well.” Nico went on. Kimi nodded leaning back and thinking about how to get close to Seb and talk to him. He wasn't the big guy for apologies and actually there wasn't that much to apologize for. He had been horny, he had an easy lady and just wanted to have fun. Seb just had chosen the wrong place at the wrong time.

“I think I will go and lie down for a while.” He mumbled as Nico had finished his dinner.

“Yeah I think about the same lines.” the German agreed and they left the table together.

Halfway through the lobby Kimi groaned.

“Hei Kimi, odota hetki!" Heikki was yelling across the carpet as he hurried to come over.

“Mitä vittua nyt?” Kimi hissed loud enough for the fellow to catch up. Nico just stood by dumbfounded not getting one word as Heikki started to talk fast and almost in one breath. A flood of finnish words drifting from his lips.

“Ei en välitä!” Kimi spat and turned around.

“Mutta...” Heikki interrupted rather noisily.

“Jätä minut rauhaan!” Kimi snarled at him and set up a quick pace towards the elevator, leaving the physio behind speechless. Nico rushed after the older driver.

“What was that about?” he asked confused, all he did understand was “Ei”. Kimi sighed as they both squeezed into the elevators cubicle, pressing the button to their floor.

“He asked shit!” was all Kimi told him, before trudging of to his own room, his head bowed and deep in thought. Nico threw his hands in the air muttering about feeling left out and those damn Finns with their ridiculous language and grammar, before opening the door to his own bed of the night.

Meanwhile Seb was sleeping like dead, totally exhausted and missed out the doctors visit who couldn't really tell much, except from that the driver needed rest and they should have a look at things before tomorrows race.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terve – Hi  
> Perkele - Arsehole

Kimi spent most of the evening on his bed, leaned up against the headboard talking to his physio Mark to clear his mind while drinking Vodka. Mark kept an eye on him for not taking it too far for the upcoming race and told him not to worry so much. Kimi didn't say much either before falling asleep the way he was, having Mark tugging him in but he couldn't help staring at every inch of Sebastian he could get an eye on the next morning. He was on watch out mode. He was worried and all is senses were on high alert.

At first he spotted Britta talking feverishly to Heikki and caught a few lines regarding the test driver taking Sebastian's seat. Pouting disappointed Kimi ate his porridge while Mark tried his best to sooth him during breakfast, telling him that it was not his business to worry about Red Bulls strategy. He didn't had time to do so anyway as they were off to the pit lane right away, talking to the engineers about the strategy once again, doing weight check ups, interviews and the entire procedure. He had no time to sneak up to Red Bull's pit and check whether or not Sebastian would start.

The race went well as Kimi finished 3rd starting as 7th on the grid, sharing the podium with Webber and his team mate Massa.

All cars were left in Parc ferme, most of the drivers back in the box but Kimi kept scanning the crowd of people, hoping to spot Heikki. He didn't. For a moment he was tempted to ask Mark Webber but knowing that this guy hated Sebastian and he literally hated the Brit as well, he had to shake his head about his own idea. The press conference afterwards took a lot of time and having Webber staring at him ever so slightly with a glint in his eyes made Kimi fidgety. He had problems to keep his face straight and shrugged most questions off with a simple: “I don't know.” or “I don't care.” much to the frown of the reporters. They never seem to get tired of bugging an answer out of him. Nico had the seat behind Kimi and he could almost feel how the German was glaring a hole into the back of his head. Kimi turned around briefly raising a questioning eyebrow into the other drivers direction but couldn't catch what Nico tried to mouth over.

Once they were through with the press and about to leave the German caught up with the Finn.

“Hi Iceman!”

“Ha!” Kimi stopped and turned around to face Nico, who patted him on the shoulder with a wink.

“Good job on the grid.”

“Thanks.” Kimi answered curtly.

“Don't you worry so much. Seb was driving. I saw him earlier getting into the car, but he did not finish, they had some problems.” Kimi nodded a smile of relief spreading onto his face. Maybe things weren't as bad as he assumed them to be if Sebastian was still driving?

 

The next 2 weeks until the next race past in a stress full blur as the season went on. Kimi still haven't had a chance to talk to his friend and the matter he was about to address was nothing you could sort out with a simple text message. He couldn't do anything and felt as if his hands were tied together no matter how desperately he wanted to stretch out a helping hand towards the younger Sebastian. Kimi had no other choice than watch him from afar with Heikki's words still ringing in his ears. “Leave Seb alone for a while, he's unsettled by you. Guess he needs more time to rest. I have no idea what issue you both had with each other but you know as good as I do, he's just a kid. Don't toy him around in your circuit Kimi.” Huovinen had barked at him in the hotel almost 2 month back and Kimi not used to follow anybody's instructions followed suit the words of the fellow Finn, not even knowing why. There was an edge to Heikki's face, an emotion he couldn't quite place that kept him guarded and warned, that there was more lurking in the shadows than Kimi might have liked.

It was the end of July and the 2 week gap of holiday for everybody wasn't much in this years 20 race schedule but enough time for Kimi to spent time back home in Switzerland at Villa Butterfly. More than once he urged an by now annoyed Mark to run a route passing Sebastian's place but not seeing anything. All curtains were still closed as if no one was there. Of course there had been the possibility for Seb to go and visit his parent's but it was quiet unusual.

After 7 days of waiting for a sign of life Kimi was too worked up about the general case that he hacked a mail to Huovinen into his laptop during dinner time. Mark tried to tell him not to but Kimi was too impatient to care. If Heikki wouldn't answer than no harm was done. If he did indeed answer Kimi would at least be a bit less concerned and up to date. He wasn't asking for private team orders or technical matters, he was simply worried how his friend, who would usually spent every breathing minute with Kimi, was holding up.

The answer made itself audible in less than 30 minutes to Kimi's surprise. He tugged the laptop from the sofa to his knees and opened the popped up window.

“You shouldn't have done that!" Mark muttered from the other end of the couch staring at the TV show Kimi had put on.

“Shut up!” the Finn muttered and clicked to read the full message waiting in his E-mailbox.

“Terve Räikkönen.” he mumbled as he read Heikki's introduction.

“Perkele!” he hissed, how fucking nice to refer to him by his last name when Heikki knew who had sent the mail, nevertheless he kept his eyes on the screen taking another mouthful of Vodka. The ice cubes in the glass gently rocking against, it making a jingling sound as he read further.

“I actually can't answer your question because I left towards Jyväskylä the night we left the circuit and haven't seen Sebastian since then.”

“Seriously, what a fuck up of a personal trainer is he!” Kimi muttered, sipping more Vodka. Mark just rolled his eyes into Kimi's direction unnoticed and flickered his gaze back to the TV.

“All I can say are things that won't probably help you any further, even though I understand your need to know about them, but you are not a big enough reason to lose my job. Sebastian missed a few trainings and he's holding up, even though he could be in better shape, but anything more than that would put me on risk, so deal with it. See you In a few weeks. Best regards Heikki Huovinen.”

Rage replaced Kimi's genuine concern, he wouldn't let Heikki have it this way. Actually it was his right to deny Kimi any further information but at the same time he would have been better off not answering at all. Kimi wasn't any smarter with the few lines still displayed on the desktop of his Macbook. He grabbed his cellphone quickly dialing a number before putting it to his ear and walking out into the garden, leaving the patio door ajar.

“Räikkönen.”

“Moi Rami, it's me.” Kimi muttered into the receiver, striding circles into the grass, an aggressive spring to his steps.

“Hei, what's up? Good to hear from you.”

“It's not as if I wouldn't have been with you and the boys just last week.” Kimi chuckled.

“I know, Justus and Tiitus do already miss you.”

“I miss you guys too, tell mum my best and hug her.”

“Will do, but hei that's not the reason for you calling isn't it?” his older brother had always known Kimi better than anyone else, they shared this special link almost like twins would. 

“Of course. Yeah well okay just fuck it.” Rami laughed out aloud.

“I knew it, so what's bothering you?”

“Just worried 'bout Seb.”

“Why? Did you guys argue?” Rami asked confused. 

“No, not really, he's just distant.”

“I noticed.” Kimi glared daggers into the lawn. Was it seriously that obvious?

“I just dunno what to do. I wrote Heikki, but he refuses to tell me anything. Just making strange hints.” Kimi complained in his monotone.

“I see, what about spending him a visit?”

“I run past his place everyday but all curtains are shut, no car in sight.”

“Kimi come on! That doesn't mean he's not there. You were just as bad sometimes. Remember how often Mum was driving out to __Porkkalanniemi to__ see if you are still alive when you were glooming after leaving Ferrari.” Rami reminded him in a soft tone. He took Kimi's concern for genuine and the last thing he wanted was his little brother getting depressed again over something that might be nothing serious at all.

Vettel was after all part of a sort of extended family to Kimi. Kimi allowed his brothers words to sink in for a moment, walking vicious circles in his yard while trying to settle onto a conclusion. He only grunted as Rami gave him time to settle passing it with shit chatter. 

“Damn it!” Kimi kicked against the sandbox he had put up for his nephews.

“What about you go and spent him a visit. You know as good as I do how fucking stubborn you can be? From what I can tell, Seb is just as stubborn as you are.” Rami offered smirking silently as Kimi grunted in response.

“Yeah, maybe you are right.”

“Just give it a try and let me know how it went. I need to sort Tiitus out. He just came in as a giant puddle from the pool.” Rami laughed and Kimi heard his nephew demand his dad's attention.

“Okay, give the boys a hug. I will be back as soon as possible.” Kimi smiled and they said their goodbyes. Mark leaned at the patio door with a soft smile, he wasn't listening into the drivers conversation, he just was seeking some sun before the evening would set.

“I'll go and take an extra run, dunno when I get back.” Kimi muttered, dragging on his extra bottoms before grabbing his car keys.

“Lazy shit. A car ride isn't a real workout.” Mark mocked with amusement, getting Kimi's middle finger in return and a nasty smirk, before the Finn trudged into the garage and fired off the engine of his ca, to make his way over to Seb's place.

As he arrived it was all dark again, the Infiniti nowhere to be seen and Kimi nagged on his bottom lip with uncertainty. He felt like an intruder, pulling up at his friends house without announcement. Sighing he got out of the car, the darkness giving him cover as he approached the door to press his thumb onto the bell 2 times in a short movement.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so utterly sorry it took me so long, I got kinda stuck in the process of this chapter, with Xmas just around the corner there are also a lot of errands to run so I apologize I left everyone waiting so long.
> 
> “Moi.” - Hi  
> “Was zur Hölle...” – What in hell..., or “What for fucks sake...” if you intend to curse harder.  
> 

There was no noise to be heard that indicated any movement at all and Kimi started to feel stupid. Maybe Seb wasn't home after all. He glanced around the driveway, his eyes trying to figure out if he was being watched, but there were no signs of paparazzi or anything like it around.

Inside Sebastian turned in bed with a sigh, he had woken up from his slumber as the doorbell went off, but he didn't want to move. He didn't move at all for most of the time because it made him either feel nauseous or dizzy. When Britta announced a visit he made sure to get up and look like nothing was amiss but this was the only reason he had moved once in a while. She would have called if she was about to drop by. The bell rang again and Sebastian groaned. Whoever it was should piss off. He wanted to be left alone, he was glad that Heikki had been easy to be fooled and stayed back in Finland, so he seriously struggled to recall anyone who would need to see him. Reluctantly he sat up, leaning heavily against the headboard, his head swimming as he fiddled to flicker the light on his night stand into life. The warm glow blurring his vision.

Kimi had enough of waiting in silence and decided to walk around the house in watch of any signs of life. Maybe Sebastian was only hiding his presence as Rami had suggested. He climbed over the little fence in the back yard and walked across the damp lawn that still felt warm from the summer sun underneath his feet. All windows at the roof were dark so his gaze swept lower to the ground floor of the small story house, wandering from left to the right side. He wasn't sure but it seemed that there was a soft glow behind one of the curtains. Kimi snuck closer across the lawn, looking back to the fence to make sure no one had seen him. He felt strange for sneaking around Seb's property at half the night but his worry was bigger than his nonexistent bad conscience.

He approached the window with the half closed curtain slowly trying to figure out which room it must be hiding as he caught a glimpse of a pair of jeans on the floor and a flickering lamp on a night stand. Jackpot he had walked in on Seb's bed room more or less red handed and properly had woken him up. Kimi sighed and peered in from the shadows.

Seb was leaned up against the headboard, eyes closed and his chest raging as if he had a hard time to catch his breath. Kimi's heart sunk at the merry sight of him. The T-shirt covering him up seemed way too big for him and his friend was rather pale. Indeed he looked forlorn on the double bed and something seem to be off. Kimi just couldn't put his finger on what was disturbing him. Biting down on his lower lip he raised his hand and knocked on the cool glass slightly but with enough force to be noticed.

Sebastian's eyes snapped open instantly and his gaze darted into Kimi's direction but seem to struggle to focus. Sebastian glared into the darkness, he could barely see who was outside but the intruder must be someone he knew. No paparazzi ever had been this noisy to sneak into his backyard and knock at the window to raise attention. He moved his hand to the patio door, that was still ajar, trying to find out whether or not the stranger would take the invitation, anything that required moving out of bed was no option to him.

Kimi frowned as he saw Sebastian waving over to the patio door and he trudged to the left to check on it, finding it ajar with the curtain closed. He opened the door a little wider making the wind blow through the fabric as he stepped into Sebastian's semi dark bed room.

“Kimi!” the younger boy gasped and his eyes went wide in terror as he tugged on the covers to hide behind them. Never would he have thought of the Finn sparing him a visit in the middle of the night.

“Moi.” Kimi muttered, shuffling his feet as he came a few steps closer before settling on the edge of Sebastian's bed.

“Was zur Hölle....I mean what are you doing here?” the German whispered, trying to avoid locking eyes with the Iceman.

“Was sort of worried...ya know, uneasy feeling 'bout you.” Kimi mumbled in his monotone, scratching the hair poking out from underneath his cap awkwardly.

“I'm fine.” Sebastian pressed out, knotting his fingers around the bed sheet. Kimi made a grumpy noise.

“Haven't seen you around and well last time was a bit bad timing.” he huffed. Seb just shrugged his shoulders, sending the edge of his shirt gliding down on one side from the movement and hectically trying to pull it back up. Kimi's brows furrowed as his gaze took in Seb's small frame.

“Never mind.” Sebastian finally mumbled trying to distract Kimi from watching him so intensively.

“If you say so, I know I was a bit of a dick uh yeah well sort of needy.” he laughed a little as the scene from the hotel replayed itself in his head. Sebastian blinked at him with a small smile, closing his eyes once again. The all so talkative German wasn't really replying for once.

“Seb?” Kimi asked still feeling awkwardly out of place, his gaze watching Sebastian who only made a groaning noise.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine!” he sighed his voice softer but eyes still closed. It was making him feel happier knowing Kimi was there but it didn't help his physical disadvantage. He wanted the room to stop spinning, his stomach to stop heaving and most of all, he wanted Kimi not to know how poorly he actually was doing.

“Doesn't seem like it.” Kimi muttered before bending closer to his friend, taking hold of his hand. Sebastian shied away from the touch but Kimi kept his grip around the wrist that felt way too small surrounded by his strong fingers. The German only flinched, not really struggling as Kimi moved his hand so he could check Sebastian's pulse, the way Mark did when they were training. It was hammering under his thumb and index finger in an irregular rhythm.

“Seb?” Kimi asked again, concern straining his voice.

“Mhm.” Seb only mumbled.

“You don't really look okay.” Kimi stated and looked around the room in search of a water bottle. Not even spotting this he got to his feet and dashed over to Seb's kitchen. He flickered on the light, being blinded for a second before realising how tidy it was. Usually Seb would have least a used pot and pan scattering around the countertop but not even a used glass was sitting in the sink. He pulled out a glass, the German usually used to serve Latte Macchiato from the cupboard before pouring some water from the tap into it and getting back to the young lad.

“Seb?” Kimi called out for him again, entering the bed room, seeing his eyelids flutter at the noise.

“Come on, drink this!” Kimi held out the glass for him. Seb shuddered, blinking before he grabbed for the glass, his hand shaking like crazy. Kimi kept his grip realising the other one would simply end up spilling it everywhere. It was a strange feeling to help Sebastian gulping down the water. His skin still looking pale into the warm light. Kimi took a dextrose out of his jacket pocket, forcing the Red Bull driver to take it and wash it down with another glass of water.

“Thanks.” Sebastian muttered before yawning widely.

“I hope you are not coming down with something. You look like shit mate. Should I ring up Heikki for you?”

“No need to Kimi.” Sebastian objected, pulling the duvet more closely around himself in an attempt to block out the cold. He had almost gotten used to be freezing all the time. It was hard enough to talk his physio out of all the usual after gym massages. He didn't want anyone to see his body and had sent Heikki home after they have had yet another fight about that exact topic after the last grand prix. Kimi frowned at him.

“I'm going to see Aki Hintsa, I promise.“ he mumbled, before slipping further under the covers and moved to lay on his side.

“You better do, we have Singapore up next it's only a few days left till testing.” Kimi gave him a small smile.

“Don't remind me about it.” Seb groaned. Kimi nudged him laughing loudly.

“Who's my champ?” he smiled.

“Me and now fuck outta here, Champ needs sleep.” Sebastian yawned.

“Trying to get rid of me?” Kimi's smile faded. Usually Seb would only fall asleep right there and then and don't bother whether or not Kimi would find the door out. It actually made him feel slightly offended.

“Still love you sorry ass.” Seb mumbled already dozing off before his breath eased into a regular low rhythm. Kimi patted the younger guys hair with a sad smile before turning off the lamp, closing the patio door and sneaking out of the front door silently, getting into his car to drive back home. He loved the younger one just as much, maybe even more if he would have the balls to admit that to himself.

His thoughts were twirling around the younger boy with concern. Would it be too much to ring the doc himself or at least ask Heikki to do so? But well obviously the fellow was no option. Maybe he should simply wait until Singapore to see how things would progress. There sure wasn't a way that Heikki would risk Seb's health, it was his job to look after the driver's well being after all. Kimi replayed the conversation he had with Seb over and over and couldn't get rid of the feeling that things between Heikki and his best friend weren't as lovey dovey as they seem to be. The physio had a hard time getting into Vettel's good graces but once he got there they ended up almost like a couple, never to be parted. No one on the grid was spending as much time with their physio like Sebastian did and all over sudden they seemed to be more apart. Of course Heikki would be his guard and try to safe Seb from any shit that might come his way, but he has usually a sort of cold way to deal with annoying reporters in the pit lane, but never ever been this alerted when Kimi was around.

He himself was no threat to the German, was he?

“Perkele!” Kimi cursed, not liking the direction his thoughts went. Maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe Doc Marko was giving Seb a little too much kicks into the guts, maybe he was simply stressed with Webber's pathetic attempts of teasing the younger World champion. He shut the engine off as he arrived back at his place, finding it dark with the TV still blaring and a snoring Mark Arnall in front of it. He wasn't aware for being out this long. To him time had passed rather quickly. Pondering over his own thoughts, Kimi drowned another glass of vodka, fetching himself some ice cream from the fridge along with a spoon and headed for his own bed, turning of the TV as he went. Once he was settled and through half the can of ice cream he smirked and yelled Mark's name.

His physio jolted up right from the couch he had dozed on.

“”What the fuck!” he muttered sleepily.

“Are you back home Kimi?” Mark shouted back, not sure where the other guy was hanging around, almost expecting him to be lurking in the shadows just for the fun of it.

“Yeah! Go sleep!” Kimi replied, his voice strained from the effort of rising it.

The Finn emptied his ice cream with a delighted sigh before getting ready for bed and tossing the empty can of Ben and Jerry's into the trash.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize this ended up more of a filler chapter than anything else. I just needed some more time before approaching the final episode of the storyline.

Sebastian struggled to remember the last night at all, to him it still felt like a dream that Kimi had been looking after him. Maybe that's all that it actually was in the end. Maybe he wasn't just freezing but having the chills and fever and Kimi had just been something his mind made up because he was craving for it. He was craving for an explanation of the things that had happened, he was craving for Kimi's touch and yet he wanted to shove everybody out of his way. He refused to think about what happens to his stomach every time Kimi is near him. The tingling of little urgent butterflies, stirring his guts up. The shiver that ran down his spine whenever their arms touched and the smile that seemed to be painted all over his features whenever they talked. It had been Heikki who noticed straight away that Sebastian acted differently whenever he was around the other Finn. It was Heikki who kept his mouth shut and watched from afar until it got too obvious and in the end it also had been Heikki telling him to get his shit together and stop acting like a boy on a fangirl seizure. Without Heikki he probably wouldn't even know why the press was assuming that he was gay and he would have put Mark Webber's insults down to a mood swing until he realised that meanwhile it actually was the entire paddock questioning his sexual orientation.

He felt embarrassed and tried his hardest to not show what he was feeling about it, but he couldn't help it whenever he meet Kimi. Seb always remembered that one kiss they had shared on his yacht that one warm summers night, he treasured it, but never mentioned it. Too scared to come out of his closet and the Finn never made a fuss about it either so Seb thought he might not even remembered it at all. That kiss was all they had and the young lad from Heppenheim was secretly wishing for more of it.

Heikki was there to comfort him, to reassure him, to hug him. Heikki was always there as his physio and best friend but not the way Seb needed him, because Heikki simply wasn't Kimi.

When Kimi told him to leave that night in the hotel it felt as if the image of the kiss got scratched, leaving it with a crack visible for everyone. The blood from the cut in his heart it caused was invisible but something shattered to pieces that night.

Annoyed with himself and his train of thoughts which had been eating away at himself for the entire week since that night of Kimi's visit, Sebastian switched off the distracting shower.

He grabbed the towel from the heater and got himself dried and dressed. He had to leave to the airport within the next hour. Singapore grand prix was on, Britta would fetch him and Heikki would be waiting for them at the airport. There were briefings he had missed, work outs he had refused to do, all in all the entire weekend was doomed. He was totally not prepared at all. He hadn't called the doctor, all he had done was lying in bed and feeling miserable for himself, trying to sort his feelings out.

Sebastian toddled over to his bedroom, dragging a pair of jeans on which kept rushing to the floor. He scanned his wardrobe as quickly as he could and fiddled with a belt to keep his pants from falling down. He definitely had lost some weight rather quickly and for the first time he wondered if it would get him into trouble.

He unlocked his suitcase and added 2 belts just in case and he wondered if it would look awkward if he was running around with a sweater in the heat of Malaysia. There wasn't much he could do about it anyway, but he was expecting to freeze. His body didn't seem to stop shaking except whenever he was under the hot shower spray.

The Red bull logo was glaring back at him as he zipped the suitcase shut again. There barely was room for private clothing anyway. Most of the time he was requested to walk around like a human advert and he got used to it. If you would need to put his suitcase interior into numbers it would end up 20 to 80 percent or something like that.

He gulped down a few caffeine tablets along with water and sighed before putting them into his carry-on baggage. Lately this was the only way to save him from falling asleep. Seb was pretty aware of what he was doing to himself, he had spent countless hours reading through several web pages to learn a few tricks and hacks how to stop Heikki from pestering him. To him this was fine, he wasn't having a problem, he was doing something good for the team. He needed that championship. He needed to beat Webber and Lewis. He needed to win and he was going to win it. He simply had to.

Everybody was expecting him to win, his parents, his old friend Hanna, Heikki, Britta, Dr. Marko ,Adrian Newey, Dietrich Mateschitz and most of all Christian Horner was relying on him. He couldn't disappoint them all. He couldn't let them all down. The pressure of expectations was heavy on his shoulders and he almost jumped half a foot in the air as his front door went and Britta called out for him.

“Sebastian are you ready? We need to get going or we will be late.”

“I'm coming!” He shouted back and grabbed the suitcase making his way downstairs, zipping his sweater up as he went. Britta was looking up at him a frown on her face.

“It's not that cold or do you have any hickey to hide.” she laughed.

“Just freezing.” Seb mumbled as he passed her, putting on his sneakers and tugging the shoelaces behind his ankle, not bothered to tie them properly. They left together, Sebastian locking the front door and sliding the keys into his rucksack before Britta drove them to the airport. Sebastian was already so exhausted he felt like falling asleep again and nap his way with his head resting against the window of the passenger seat.

“Did you get any sleep last night? You look exhausted.” Britta asked, keeping her eyes fixed on the traffic in front of them.

“Hmm.” Sebastian hummed his eyes closed tight and the world slipping into a blur every now and again. He only caught half of Britta's words, missing her frown as she stirred the car into the parking lot and shook him gently to get him going.

“Come on big boy, time to meet Heikki and board the plane. The guys have already started working on the car, since they weren't allowed to do so during break. The sooner we get there, the better the chances for you to win that race.”

“I want to win.” Sebastian yawned rubbing his eyes and following Britta with their luggage to the check - in counter. The air inside was warm and not any help to get him awake, he still felt dead and wanted to sleep for the rest of the year or something as they took their seats, waiting for the queue to die down while boarding had already started.

Heikki waved over to them as he made his way, carry-on baggage in one hand and a smile on his face, sunglasses covering his eyes as he came to a halt next to their seats, shaking Britta's hand in greeting.

“Hi there.”

“Hi, nice to see you again. How was your weekend with friends and family.” Heikki frowned again, his sunglasses perfectly covering his discomfort, obviously Seb hadn't told her that he had been offline since the last race and not only for a weekend back at home.

“It was nice to catch up again.” the Finn mumbled, shooting a sideways glare into Seb's direction who was hunched in his seat not paying attention to the small talk going on next to him. The former hockey player scanned his protege over quickly, taking in the paleness of his face and dried out lips, along with the sweater, while he was wearing nothing else than summer shorts and a shirt. Seb looked even worse than he had as Heikki left. He would need to have a word with him or Christian would skin him alive in case something happens. The mass of people had passed and all three of them boarded successfully getting comfortable in their seats for the long journey of 6 hours before touching down in Dubai where they would have a lay over of 2,5 hours before they would continue towards Singapore for another 7 hours, thanks to Emirates airlines. Britta was working through the shedule of the weekend, explaining important dates to Heikki who put notes into his phone to remember it himself so he could actually tell Sebastian in case Britta was needed somewhere else around the pit or motorhome. The young German himself was fast asleep, head leaning on the glass of the window.

“I wonder if he even slept at home.” Britta mumbled from across the aisle. Heikki frowned at her in question.

“He was already sleeping on the way to the airport.” She stated matter of factly as the airplane made a loop from turbulences. Sebastian's head rolled over onto Heikki's shoulder, but he didn't wake up, even though most of the female passengers, including Britta, couldn't help themselves but yelp in alarm out of shock. Heikki looked over at the young boy, worry edging in his face. Usually Seb was so jumpy he would have freaked out about the turbulences, except this time he didn't even flinch. After briefing with Britta, they both took a nap since the trip was rather long but no one of them woke Seb up as the food was served. He could still grab some at the airport during the lay over.

When the pilot announced their landing, Heikki shoved the sleeping Miss beauty slightly but got no reaction. He poked Sebastian and whispered his name. Britta was busy packing her laptop away and Heikki whispered into Seb's ear more urgently, as the young guy finally stirred, blinking sleepily up at him, eyes still not focused.

“Heikki?” Seb averted his eyes suddenly aware how close they were.

“Time to get up, we are about to touch down.” Heikki smiled the worry still evident in his voice. Seb struggled to click his seat belt into place and ended up with Heikki fastening it for him, still this unexpected look of worry edged into every feature of the Finns face.

“Are you alright?” He asked for what felt like the billionth of time and Seb gave him a weak thumbs up. He was far from it, being dragged out of the peaceful darkness of unconsciousness, but now wasn't the time to let the facade slip.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Heikki forced Seb to eat a sandwich as soon as they had taken their seats in the waiting area of Abu Dhabi airport. The young driver looked like he was about to either throw up or pass out and Heikki didn't like it. Even Britta was worried now as she excused herself earlier, phone attached to her ear doing business. Seb insisted that everything was fine but ended up half asleep most of the time or so distracted and occupied with his own mind that he didn't seem to take in anything. Heikki was more talking to himself than having any sort of conversation with him. He felt rejected and left out and he remembered Kimi's Email, maybe it was about time someone would kick his ass, since it wasn't just a fling of Seb, avoiding his friend but avoiding everybody else as well.

Arriving at the hotel in the warmth of Singapore felt to Vettel like being hit in the face. The air was damp with humidity and it felt like trying to breathe in bricks instead of any oxygen reaching his veins. Sweat seemed to be pouring from every part of his body. It was hell.

“So we have two hours and then we have to attend the first interviews, followed by briefing with the pit crew.” Heikki started to explain to Seb once they had settled. Looking up from his notes, he waited for a response of his protege but Seb seemed to be staring right through him.

“Are you even listening?”

“Of course.” Seb mumbled.

“So what did I just say?” Heikki asked slightly annoyed by the younger guys unimpressed face.

“No worries, going to win.” Seb mumbled, avoiding the question and drowning half of the water bottle in his hand. He needed another pill or he would be fast asleep within the next 10 minutes but Heikki was persistent as shit and not going to leave all to soon. His mind working feverishly to come up with an excuse.

“Just need the loo.” Seb prompted in and waddled over to the en suite bathroom with his carry-on baggage, shutting the door and locking it before he started making a bit of noise to let Heikki believe he had something in his luggage that would have actually needed to be left in the bathroom. Instead he was sitting on the toilet seat gulping down caffeine pills with some more water from the tap in the cup for toothbrushes provided by the hotel staff. The effect boost of energy rushing through his veins as if someone pushed a button and he smiled satisfied with himself. Frowning he looked through his baggage finally finding the hairbrush he rarely used, to leave it behind, justifying the noise.

More awake then before he meet Heikki's questioning eyes. The Finn's face impassive as always, his jaw working on a gum. Seb rarely remembered ever seeing him without one.

“Well, you can choose if you want to work out before the interviews or in the afternoon when we finished briefing with Christian and the others.” Seb shrugged his shoulders. All was fine for now. He could use some sport to burn off energy. It was weird to feel so alive after weeks of being a lazy shit.

“What do you have in mind?” he asked casually. Heikki looked thoughtful for a moment gazing out of the window. He probably was weighing up the options, taking the weather conditions into account.

“Let's go to the beach. We could play some badminton and go for a swim.”

“Sounds fine.” Seb mumbled, darting for the door.

“Seb?” the young German turned around half way to the door and frowned.

“Swimming trunks?” Heikki suggested, eyeing the jeans that were still covering his legs.

“Boxer shorts will do.” he shrugged.

“I'm not taking you to the beach in your underwear. There is press everywhere around the fucking place.”

“Okay.” Seb sighed, opening his suitcase as he rummaged through it. He knew fully well he hadn't any with him.

“Well, seems I forgot them at home.” he said after a while. Heikki sighed exasperated.

“Anything else you forgot?” he asked sarcastically. Seb ignored it and Heikki followed him outside, snatching up the badminton set from the reception as they made their way to the hotel beach. The people were giving them strange looks, Seb getting the most of them since he still was in his sweater and refused to put it of. Heikki shook his head as they started playing, seeing Seb starting to sweat furiously after just a couple of minutes.

“Where is your condition champ? Did you do anything during holidays?” Heikki shouted, easily trudging through the sand. Seb just glared at him, moving faster. The sand seemed to swallow his legs without a fight, every move hard as if he would shift a ton of weight around with him. After 10 minutes he was soaked with sweat from head to toe and more than out of breath. Heikki stopped mid-game throwing a bottle into his direction. Seb missed it, reacting way too late. He dropped down into the hot sand of the beach, grabbing the bottle Heikki had thrown at him and gulping down most of the water in one go.

Heikki watched him, texting on his phone.

“You know, this weekend will be stressful enough.” he pointed out dryly. Seb gave a short nod, he was too busy trying to focus. Heikki would make him pay for it if he didn't get his shit together. Stumbling to his feet he brushed the sand of his trousers, swaying a little in the process. Heikki chewed on his gum thoughtfully. He didn't want to push him, he had texted Britta already that Seb wouldn't make it to the race. His condition was worrying him too much. Heikki looked up confused, the badminton ball had hit his forehead, now lying in the sand to his feet.

“Do you want to play or do you want to text your girlfriend?” Seb smiled. The Finn sighed, picking up the feathered ball smashing it back. He would observe this obscure game for a few more minutes, but seeing Seb missing it once again, made the decision quite clear.

Heikki approached him slowly. They barely had moved for 20 minutes. “Let's go, you need a shower and lunch and Britta is waiting for you."

“Is this all.” Seb protested clearly not satisfied.

“Just get your ass up okay?” Heikki grabbed Seb's arm who staggered to his feet.

“I can walk on my own.” he hissed even though he felt dizzy.

“I noticed.” Heikki responded sarcastically, dragging a protesting Seb along with him back to the hotel. It was no effort to him at all, the 10 minute walk was uneasy because of the humidity but apart from it, it was no big deal to the level headed Finn The young driver instead was panting next to him as if he had run a marathon, his chest heaving with every struggled breath Seb forced into his lungs.

“Get into that shower!” Heikki ordered as soon as they reached the hotel room. Seb trudged off stubbornly, pouting like a little boy as he grabbed a few new clothes covered with Red Bull advertising along with him. The workout failed and he hated it. He had been sweating like a pig but apart from that he sure as hell hasn't burned any calories at all. Frustrated he kicked the tiled wall of the shower, enjoying the water washing down his fragile body.

Outside Heikki frisked Seb's suitcase finding nothing else than long sleeved sweaters and trousers, sending his brain on alert. Obviously the German had something to hide and Heikki would get behind it. No normal person would miss any summer clothes when going to Singapore. He heard the shower tap being turned off and Seb toddling around. He counted down for a short while before smiling to himself. By now his protege should have managed to cover himself in a towel but there was no way he was already dressed. Seb had refused any massages for 3 months and at first Heikki thought it was just a phase but by now even he had no idea what to expect as he swung the door open without knocking. Seb was sitting on the toilet seat, rubbing his hair dry, looking up with a shocked gaze mirroring Heikki's facial expression perfectly who scanned him over. Collarbones showing, spine sticking out, hip bones clearly outlined under the soft skin. For god damn it he could even count every rib as if he would play a piano.

The towel fell from Sebastian's grip into his lap and he snatched it back up hiding behind hid as best as he could.

“What the fuck!” he exclaimed seconds later. Heikki's gaze was hard as ice.

“Get the fuck out here right now!” he pointed to a spot right in front of him.

“Just fuck you!” Seb raged, struggling as Heikki closed the 2 steps difference between them and lifted the German up like he wouldn't be much more than a pillow. He hardly was any heavier than that Heikki thought as he dumped a struggling Seb onto the hotel bed, the towel still fastened around his hips, hair all wet and staring up at him in utter shock.

“What the hell did you think you are doing.” Heikki barked at him, demanding answers.

“What the fuck is your fucking problem!” Sebastian snarled back with just as much venom in his voice. Heikki was flopped down on the edge of the king size bed, his expression unreadable but hurt.

“Just look at you. How do you think you will be able to drive on sunday?”

“There's nothing wrong with me!”, Seb argued. Heikki glared at him, his blue eyes even deeper than usual hiding tears that threatened to spill.

“Seriously Seb, you know I need to report your condition and there is no way I'm going to let you drive like this.”

“Just screw you!” Seb raged, exhaustion starting to show in his voice.

“I'm going to race and going to win.” he mumbled before passing out. The Finn sighed and rubbed his hands through his face. He knew he needed to inform the principals and Britta and a doctor. But he also knew how stubborn the young boy could be. If Heikki would just overstep his boundaries even if it was his job, Seb would drop him without a second glance.

“What am I going to do with you stubborn kid.” he mumbled to himself, checking Seb's pulse and covering him up with a blanket. He grabbed the door card and rushed down the aisle. There was only one person who might be able to help him make a decision.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Anteeksi heräsin sinut.” - I'm sorry I woke you up.  
> “Miksi!” - Why?  
> “Mitä?” - What?  
> Paska - Shit

Heikki's fist came down on the wooden hotel door rather hard and harsh, demanding even. He had no idea whether or not Kimi or Mark Arnall were in or outside doing their business.

It actually didn't take him too long to wait, before the door was cracked open and Mark was facing him surprised. The Brit rubbed his head awkwardly, looking over his shoulder before coming outside and closing the door.

“What's the matter?” he asked in the genuine tone he always had whenever uttering a word.

“I need to talk to Kimi.” Heikki pressed out from gritted teeth, still nervous.

“Well, he's busy right now.” Mark shrugged his shoulders.

“It's urgent.” Heikki groaned, rubbing his tired face.

“It might be but he's unavailable right now.” Mark gave him a small pitiful smile.

“It's about Seb, seriously.” Heikki hissed raising his hands in helplessness. Mark hesitated, his expressions thoughtful and one hand lingering on the door.

“I can sent him down to you later if you want.” Mark tried to make a compromise.

“Not later, right now.” Heikki snapped, he wasn't able to control his annoyance for any longer.

“What is he up to anyway, that he's so fucking busy?” Heikki asked, seeing Mark flinch at the sudden outburst of anger. Heikki raised a questioning eyebrow at him. A groan was heard from inside the hotel room.

“Damn.” Mark cursed.

“Damn what?”

“You woke him up.” Mark snarled. Heikki rolled his eyes.

“So what.”

“Well, now you can deal with him, being pissy.” Mark said dryly, opening the door to let Heikki inside. Kimi was sprawled out on the bed, duvet kicked low to his hips, hand across his face blinking in the sunlight coming through the blinds.

“Kimi?” Heikki asked without hesitation seeing the other men flinch

“Mitä vittua nyt?” the Kimi lump growled low in his throat.

“Anteeksi heräsin sinut.”

“Miksi!” Kimi mumbled, pressing his face into the fabric of the pillow case.

“Sebastian.” Heikki blurt out, seeing the other men sitting up in bed quickly a frown on his face.

“Mitä?” Kimi glared at him, his face a portrait of suppressed thunder, his eyes a mirror of demand. Heikki shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts, feeling exposed and uncomfortable. He hated to be the guy with the bad news and Kimi more than awake by now wasn't the guy with the most patience.

“What's wrong with Seb?” Kimi barked, still pissed but for another reason. He was worried, even though it was barely visible to the people.

“I think there is a problem.” Heikki finally said shuffling his feet, fixing the expensive carpet with his eyes.

“What problem?” Kimi was halfway out of the sheets, dragging over his T-shirt.

“I dunno...” Heikki mumbled.

“HA!” Kimi turned around to the other Finn his eyes burning on the merry sight of him.

“First you have nothing to say, now waking me up saying there is a problem. Talk!” Kimi demanded, voice low.

“I don't think he can race in his condition.” Heikki mouthed his thoughts out aloud. Kimi's brain was working fast. Seb unable to race must mean there was something terribly wrong.

“Then get him a doc.” Kimi flopped back on the bed. Of course he was worried that Seb had fallen sick but he was not in the position to help with health issues. He had enough of those himself.

“It's not that easy.” Kimi looking up at him through narrowed eyes. Heikki ruffled his hair in desperation. He had no idea how to explain himself.

“I caught Seb in the shower earlier after he fucked up training.” Kimi gave him a short nod, waiting for Heikki to go on. “He's looking terrible. Exhausted. He falls asleep all the time, he doesn't focus, his reaction is slow.” Heikki started to name all the little things he had observed for a while. Kimi listened carefully, suddenly he remembered the dinner with Nico, the folded tissue with the food and the uneasy feeling that filled him back then was more then present now.

“How bad?” Kimi interrupted Heikki's explanations.

“Paska, Shit bad you know.” The younger Finn looked up for the first time after entering Räikkönen's hotel room, tears swimming in his big blue eyes, desperation and fear mixing his features up into an uncomfortable mask.

“Where is he now?” Kimi asked softly. He wasn't good in comforting others so he settled to pat Heikki on his shoulder shortly.

“Passed out in bed after yelling at me that he has no problem. Fuck it, he even has an interview in less than one hour. I don't know what to do!” Heikki mumbled ruffling a hand through his blonde hair.

“Let's go.” Kimi grabbed his sunglasses and his phone. Heikki followed suit and Mark was looking at them questioningly, still waiting outside. Kimi gave him a short nod.

“Will be back in time.” he mumbled as they passed the personal trainer. Heikki taking Kimi down the aisle to his and Sebastian's room. The atmosphere was tense, so tense that it felt like hitting a brick wall with 300 km/h as Heikki finally unlocked the door, praying to god and whoever else that Seb hadn't snuck out meanwhile.

Kimi stepped forward first, gaze swapping the room before settling on the figure curled up in the middle of the bed under the blanket. Seb blinked at him sleepily, his eyebrows contracting into a half awake frown as he yawned, cuddling deeper into the thin duvet. He was freezing in the acclimated room, the aircon was making it feel like -20 degrees and as if he was pushed into a fresh pile of snow outside Kimi's home in Finland.

Heikki stayed back at the door making sure, Sebastian wouldn't make a run for it, before Heikki grabbed his phone and left the both of them. Kimi gave him a short wave of his hand before he left.

After all he was still worried but getting to talk to Seb without his guard dog of a physio was much more relaxing than having Heikki stand by all through out the conversation, which would be a bumpy road to drive along anyway.

“Kimi.” Seb mumbled in a daze, eyes half closed, head swimming. Was this another one of his daydreams? Like the last one back in Switzerland when Kimi came to visit him at his house in the middle of the night. Seb rubbed his swollen eyes, only now realising that he had been crying in his sleep. The dry tears were making his skin itchy. Kimi sighed, grabbing Seb's hand and holding it tight and away from his eye.

“Stop. You'll only make it worse!” Kimi mumbled his thumb softly making circles on the outside of Sebastian's palm. Seb holding onto him, his small fingers wrapped around Kimi's hand.

”What's up champ? You look like shit!” Kimi stated honestly. He was aware of how fragile his friend was, couldn't quite look away from the bones poking out from the pale skin, outlining every feature sharply.

“Are you really here?” Seb croaked hoarsely.

“Yes, silly. Your bulldog woke me up and ruined my beauty sleep.” Kimi smiled. Before grabbing the bottle of water from the night stand, opening it and handing it to his friend. Seb didn't want to get up but Kimi could get rather annoying if he wanted to, so Sebastian gave in and struggled into a sitting position, sipping the water from the bottle slowly.

“I'm so tired.” Seb finally said, resting his head onto Kimi's shoulder.

“Because you worked yourself in quite a state man!” Kimi frowned, patting Seb's hair awkwardly, inside his heart was screaming.

“But I need to win.” Seb whined into the fabric of Kimi's polo.

“You are not even going to race so neither do you stand a chance of winning anything.”

“Make it better. Make me go to race Kimi.” Sebastian sobbed, flinging his arms around his best friend before he cried harder. Kimi hold onto him, feeling utterly sorry for the young German.

“I can't only you can do this Champ.” Kimi muttered, Seb still shaking in his grip. The young boys emotions were all over the place. Kimi had to help him, he couldn't let him down.

“But I want to. I have to.” Seb cried.

“Well, I think Sébastien Buemi will do a good job during testing.“

„I don't want him to drive my race. It's not the same.“ Sebastian protested, making Kimi sigh.

„Listen you stubborn little shit! Let the test driver do his job, maybe even the qualiy and we will see how you are feeling on sunday.“ Kimi muttered, stroking a strand of messy blonde hair out of Sebastian's forehead before placing a kiss onto it. “For now we can start with you coming to my room and eat ice cream with me. It will make you stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

“But!” Seb tried again.

“Oh shut up you!” Kimi raised the naked screaming German out of the duvets, got him dressed in a matter of seconds like he would do it with his nephews if they refused to get out of bed on a week day, before scooping him back up in his arms and trudge back to his room. Kimi hammered his foot against the expensive wood, waiting for Mark to let them in, who looked bewildered at the two of them. Seb clinging to Kimi's neck like a 5 year old and the Finn himself with a stressed look on his face. He passed his personal trainer before diving to the mini bar and settling back onto the bed pushing the cold Ben & Jerry's ice package into Seb's hands along with a spoon.

“Eat! Now!” Kimi ordered with a warning look.

“Kimi you know you have...” Mark started to say before he was cut off mid-sentence.

“I have a shit to do! Fuck the media!” Kimi growled, his gaze locking back onto his friend, his features softening.

“'kay.” Mark gulped down heavily.

“Go and find Heikki, tell him Sebastian will stay with me.”

“Okay.” Mark obeyed, rushing out of the door to not get Kimi any more angrier. Kimi got himself some icecream, switching on the TV and watching Sebastian out of the corner of his eye. The German was pushing the melting cream around the paper bowl.

“I said eat!” Kimi barked.

“But I'm going to be so fat.” Seb whined.

“Bullshit! Silly you will get healthy and believe me this is not the end of it. If you want to drive your car on sunday you better eat all I give you. I don't care if you puke on my carpet in the process.” Kimi snarled a stubborn glim into his green eyes.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Sebastian felt as if the entire world would have turned upside down. He was indeed hungry but all delicious ice cream in the world couldn't help the fact that he had screwed up big time. Despite that he could feel the cold substance churning in his guts making him feel nauseous. He was close to just bent over and empty the entire content of his stomach onto the expensive hotel carpet right in front of him.

Kimi insisted and persuaded him and they spent most of the time in his hotel room, not moving at all and eating way too much. If Kimi was out on duty for Ferrari he wouldn't let Seb sulk on his own and moved him to his own hotel room where Heikki would keep a close eye on him.

Sebastian had indeed been sick several times but the meds Heikki had gotten from the doc where helping him keeping the food down. The cold leveled fellow of Kimi was currently perched on the desk opposite Sebastian's bed eyeing him with a frown on his face. That kiddo definitely had gotten himself in a state and Heikki was pondering over the thoughts how he could have fucked up his job that bad. Why didn't he noticed it? Why didn't he saw all the hints? Why did he let him get that bad in the first place?

Heikki was annoyed with himself and he felt guilty. Seb hadn't spoken to him about his worries and never gave any indication that he was struggling. Nor had they discussed the matter after the little row they had the other day when Heikki got aware of it.

Seb was sitting on his bed staring at the ceiling mulling over his own thoughts. He knew he had to do how Kimi and the others pleased if he wanted to stand a chance in the upcoming race but at the same time he felt terrible for eating all that food and even more ashamed since he still couldn't really understand why him losing weight that was advantage for his teams car was such an issue. He looked like himself at least to his eyes. He could feel his physio staring at him, observing his every move.

“Heikki!” Sebastian snapped annoyed making the other guy flinch. He was getting angry and bored from being kept at rest and into the unknown for the upcoming day.

“What?” the bulky trainer asked bluntly.

“Stop staring at me like I would be some fucking chemistry experiment in school for fucks sake!”

“Calm down Seb.” Heikki soothed, trying to fix a point on the opposite wall but keeping his protege in his peripheral vision.

“You are...” Seb stopped in the middle of what he wanted to say as the terrible feeling that was unsettling him since the incident was rooming in his stomach again, making him heave.

“Ha?” Heikki prompted, looking back just in time to see, Seb stumbling from the bed into the bathroom and hurling his guts up noisily, his legs shaking with the effort of keeping him stable as he clutched onto the toilet seat with his knuckles turning white, spiting acid.

Heikki sighed before he got to his feet and supported Seb, holding him firmly to avoid him from crashing. Tears were streaming down the younger boys cheeks as he panted for breath.

“Sit down Seb, come on, let loose I will catch you.” Heikki soothed, feeling Sebastian tremble and letting go as he slumped back into Heikki's strong grip who lowered him down on the tiled floor next to the toilet, pressing the flush in the process before sitting himself down right behind the German, rubbing slow circles into his back.

“Slow down, ok?” Heikki instructed hearing his breathing still hitching, feeling Seb's chest rise and fall rapidly against his hand that hold him upright.

“You..did...” Seb was sick again just from the merry thought he tried to get past his mouth. Heikki sighed trying to guess what was upsetting the driver so much and kept up his support. Seb leaned his head onto the side of the porcelain bowl trying to get a grip on things.

“I didn't do anything Seb than letting Kimi taking care of things.” he tried to reassure him.

“Didn't tell...” Sebastian puffed out a long breath before he carried on. “...tell Britta? The team?” his voice broke on the last word as he started shaking once again, tears cascading down his innocent cheeks.

“Shh..Calm down Seb. I haven't said a word yet.” Seb went limb in Heikki's embrace the moment relief flooded his system. The physio fastened his grip afraid that he might have shocked the younger one even further.

“You're alright?” he asked concerned, thinking Seb might have passed out.

“Mhmm.” Seb mumbled suddenly feeling stupid for his own worries.

“Listen, all we want is to help you. Okay?” Heikki ruffled his hair to the side to get the fringe out of the German's eyes and a better look on his pale face. Sebastian wanted to scream that he had no problem but he felt way to exhausted to pipe up any protest.

“Just making sure you get back in shape to drive your races and you obviously can't at the moment.” Heikki said, handing him a cup of water to rinse his mouth.

“I can drive. I promise I can.” Sebastian mumbled before letting Heikki help him back to is feet.

“No way from the look of things.” Heikki stated matter of factly as he guided Seb back to the bed and moved over to the side of the room where a little kitchenette was set up to flicker the kettle on and make tea for both of them.

“I will prove you. I will win tomorrow!” Sebastian insisted.

 

Sebastian and Heikki argued back and forth throughout most of the rest of the day and when Britta joined them Seb was eating lunch and busy to keep his face straight. His blonde press assistant eyed him with concern.

“Hi Britta.” Seb finally offered.

“Hi Seb. Buemi got you pole.” Seb stopped in his tracks. Looking at her wide eyed. Had he heard correctly? Buemi got pole? POLE?

“POLE?” Sebastian exclaimed, almost bouncing on his hotel bed.

“Yeah, Christian is pretty pleased we just wonder if you'll drive tomorrow or Buemi needs to.” she stated looking expectantly at Heikki. The Finn was working his jaw like he had just swallowed a bitter pill of acid.

“Of course I'm going to race. I was just a bit sick, you know, time change and maybe a bit of a stomach bug.” Sebastian pointed out rather harsh, eyeing Heikki as if waiting for him to doubt Sebastian's words. Heikki averted his gaze from Sebastian's stern eyes and gave a sharp nod. If this was, what the stubborn kid wanted he should get it. There was no way in arguing once Seb made up his mind.

“That's good news!” Britta smiled but kept her distance. “I'm really happy for you I just don't fancy catching whatever you caught.” she winked before getting back to business.

“There are still the sponsors...” Heikki broke her off mid-sentence.

“I think it might be better to just leave Seb to it, today. Mark could care about the press for once.” he protested.

“Uhm, I just thought it might be tactful you know.” She started looking at Heikki concerned.

“It might be but I think if Seb is determined to do a good race tomorrow we better let him rest for today as best as possible.” Heikki smiled sadly.

“Oh, of course. I'm sorry. “ Britta apologized, her gaze flickering between the physio and Seb who was feverishly glaring at Heikki in return.

 

As soon as Britta has left Heikki was about to snap at Sebastian but there was little he could do to control the damage.

“You better don't fuck that race up and get yourself together Seb.” Heikki sighed. He was hurt and he felt betrayed that Sebastian was playing with his health like it would be the joker in a game of poker.

“No worries. I'm going to win!” Sebastian mumbled.

 

“What about you try to eat something?” Heikki persuaded him when a few hours had passed where Seb had been playing some game on his phone.

“Do I need to? Kimi stuffed me with ice cream 2 hours ago. I just had lunch and if I eat anymore I will be sick again.”

“You had lunch 3 hours ago and shortly before you even got down to that, you left most of the ice cream in the toilet bowl.” Heikki pressed out through gritted teeth. Nevertheless he was at least relieved that the young German hadn't been sick again.

“Just give me one more hour okay?” Seb pouted, shuffling up against the headboard of the bed.

“What about we do some stretching at least if you plan on driving tomorrow?” Heikki offered. He knew it was risky but he hated nothing else than sitting around helplessly watching Seb wasting himself away, if there was almost nothing he could do to change that. Seb rolled his eyes and put the phone away.

“Can you decide what you want? Move? Don't move? Move again? I have the feeling whatever I do is wrong.” Heikki rubbed his face.

“What about I try to take care of your sorry ass?” Heikki mumbled.

“I'm not going to die tomorrow. I drove enough races to come so far. And you had no fucking idea so don't tell me I did something wrong!” Seb snapped and stood up marching over to the window. Heikki knew how wrong that was but on the other hand Sebastian wasn't entirely wrong, he had made it so far, just the price he had paid was too high. Heikki excused himself to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.

“Oh fuck what have I done to deserve this!” he sighed desperately to himself. What would Aki Hintsa do in such a situation?

For the billionth of time he was facing the message window of his cellphone again tempted to give at least a hint. But who to address?

His fingers brushed over the touchscreen as he sat down on the closed toilet lid. The text he had saved in drafts earlier staring back at him. He scrolled through his contacts settling on Christian's name. The team principal would dread to know but he wasn't allowed to spill. Heikki hesitated again.

“Are you hidding from me now?” Sebastian shouted angrily from the hotel room. Heikki's gaze flickered over to the door, his finger brushing over the sent button as he left the bathroom. At least maybe Christian would understand.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay now we get to the difficult part, that's why it has taken me so long. i just wanted to say that there will be a race taking place obviously but the rules and procedures might not be original or slightly twisted from the truth. It's not as if I wouldn't know the usual standart. I know there are lots of videos about preperations and stuff I could have used for research but I decided against that. So from now on this fic will become slightly AU or off topic so to say. If you are one who is very fond on details close to reality you might not like this now. Just felt like letting you know before someone is having a problem with it. The further we will get down to the actual race and rules for upcoming events the more "unreal" it might get for some of you. Please don't beat me up for it. :(  
> Now enjoy the chapter.

The sound of Christian's cellphone receiving a message echoed around the office in the motorhome, set up behind the garage. Confused he unlocked the screen and opened his inbox to see Heikki's name staring back at him. Christian frowned opening the message with one swift movement of his thumb, his eyes scanning the content quickly before furrowing his brows.

“Please don't miss the weighing for the car before the race starts.” the text read. Since when did he need to be reminded of his own appointments? Of course he would be there. For a second Christian was tempted to reply with a question “WTF?” but he thought better of it. If Heikki was reminding him then there sure was another bigger reason behind it. More than making sure Christian would not miss his own appointments on a race weekend. His guts made a loop at the possibilities. He was tempted to hit the redial button and ask straight away but he know he shouldn't. Biting his lip he went through his pile of waiting paperwork and some more emails from the factory in Milton Keynes, killing time until lunch before walking over to the FIA garage at the furthest edge of start-finish line , for the weight check up on the cars. Seb was already there accompanied by a grumpy looking Heikki who stood closer as usual so it seemed. Christian frowned but decided to not point it out, just letting his gaze sweep over them every now and again trying to catch Heikki's gaze. The Finn gave no sign if he was aware of it. Indeed he was almost glued onto Seb's side, as if personal space wasn't even necessary anymore, not as if it was before but still it was unusual.

Mark just entered the garage, a slightly spring to his steps, followed by his press officer and some mechanics looking around grinning nastily as he took in his team mate.

“Need babysitting sulky child?” Mark snarled loud enough for Sebastian to hear as he walked by and made Heikki glare at him in utter hatred. Seb didn't even flinch but Mark's words burned like acid, all the way down his throat like a bitter pill. A wave of nausea rippled through him, followed by the feeling of being lost in this entire manic world of racing. A feeling he couldn't even start to describe clearly enough for anyone to get a hold on it, but it left him feeling like a failure. Maybe if he had put more effort into getting along with his team mate the older Aussie wouldn't be so mean to him? But no matter what excuse he tried to convince himself with, Mark's words had hit home in an instant.

“Seb it's your turn.” Heikki whispered nodding in the direction of the weight watch where his car was parked already. He eyes him with concern, the blank expression on his face did not crumble as Seb walked over to squat down on the metal panel that would add his body weight to the weight of the car, for the FIA to check. Christian was right next to him, peering on the scale with interest. It made Seb feel uncomfortable even if his team principal showed no sign of emotion. It wasn't unusual Christian would be close, he always was. Seb shut his eyes in an attempt to shut all of them out, all heir judging gazes and refused to look at the display. Pressing his eyes close until it almost hurt and little lights started to dance on the inside of his lids. He blanked out the numbers that might give him away to everyone. He hummed to himself, blanking out the talking before he was released and Buemi took over his place, even if he wasn't racing. There was no way Seb would give up his seat today. He would prove them all wrong. He had to. He had to win and no one would take his victory away from him.

The moment, Sebastian's weight was announced half the room went silent for a second. Christian looked horrified over at Heikki who showed no sign of surprise and just kept working the chewing gum around in his mouth. Christian looked down at the display in disbelief. Suddenly Heikki's message made sense and a cold shiver ran through him as his brain quickly tried to come up with an explanation apart from a simple: What the fuck is going on?!. The FIA put not much interest but announced that the driver's meeting was taking place in 2 hours and until then Red bull should have filled in who would drive Vettel's car.

“Of course I am going to drive!” Sebastian hissed, walking back to Heikki. He could feel a couple of people looking at him and even Mark seemed a bit distressed as he took his place on the panel when his car was put on. Aussie Grit probably was only concerned about himself. He was taller then most of the drivers and therefore heavier. Seb didn't pay attention to Mark's result but left with Heikki back to their motorhome.

“So you still want to drive today?” Heikki asked passing over another bottle of water as they entered.

“I will, no one had any objections.” Seb argued seeing Heikki looking past him without a sharp reply. Maybe even the Finn finally got the point across.

Seb refused to eat his usual potatoes and only took the red bull can after Heikki forced it over to him before he took his seat to get through the driver meeting. Half of the grit was silently complaining about the weather conditions and some were chatting among themselves, but apart from this everything went like usual.

Kimi was sitting next to him, they had decided to stay in the back, closer to the air con and Seb was thankful for it. His skin felt as if sun burned. Cold sweat was running down his back and the skin on his arms tingled as if he would have fallen head first in a field of stinging nettles **.** Sebastian stared at his lap trying to keep his breathing in check.

Kimi watched him without comment from the corner of his eye, with his usual sunglasses no one could see that he wasn't paying much of attention to the actual briefing. They had gone through this procedure way too often by now. The track was overheated, there would be a danger of tyres setting on fire. All the usual warnings that came along with Singapore.

Also the penalties were reviewed once again and Kimi didn't even flinch when he was told he would start from 18 th  position due to speeding in the pit lane during Qualifying.

Seb looked over at his friend wide eyed. Kimi hadn't even told him how his Qualifying had gone and now this outcome was announced? Seb placed his hand over Kimi's for a short moment squeezing gently to show his sympathy, leaning over he whispered comfort into Kimi's ear. He felt bad for ruining Kimi's weekend.

“Nah!” Kimi whispered back, dismissing the fact and just shrugged his shoulders as if he wouldn't care. There was no point in making Seb worry, it was the other way around. Kimi didn't care about the FIA's decision he was more worried that Seb was allowed to race. Some people were looking back up to them as Vettel was called out as driver for Red Bull but no one said anything. For a moment Kimi was tempted to take his glasses off and glare back at them to defend his friend who was very silent and focused on his thumbs rubbing nervously against each other in his lap. Kimi wondered if Sebastian had even paid attention to the briefing at all.

The stewards and FIA ended their little rant and everyone left.

 

Seb felt dizzy as he got up, supporting himself with one arm as he swayed aside. He felt Kimi's hand on his waist steadying him as the Finn stepped closer to him.

“You really shouldn't do this to yourself Sebby.” Kimi mumbled into his ear sadly.

“I'm fine.” Sebastian mouthed, reluctantly pulling some of the red bull into his mouth. The straw going on his nerves. He was tempted to either chew on it until it broke or just spit it out. They were the last to leave and Kimi followed close up to Sebastian ready to catch him if he would fall as they meet Heikki outside who gave Kimi a nod of gratitude as Seb stopped in front of his physio, expression blank.

“See you, blood sample shits.” Kimi murmured and went over to the medical center to attend his own appointment. Seb frowned before he remembered the usual drug test. He had no idea when his own was taking place but he didn't had time to ponder either because Heikki was literally dragging him off to the medical unit right after his friend had left in the same direction.

“Come on Seb, we need to go and get your drug test done.” Heikki sighed, eyeing the can in Sebastian's hand. The meeting had taken up 2 hours. Usually Sebastian would have drowned the can by the end but from the look of it , he had barely touched it at all this time. The heat was pressing down on the paddock, making the tarmac under their sneakers burn uncomfortably. Heikki stayed close to the young German in case he would pass out but so far Seb was holding up. The only noticeable change was how quiet he stayed throughout the rest of the day until it was time to get back to the hotel for 4 hours to get sorted for the race. Everybody was rigid and somehow nervous by now, Singapore being not only the toughest but also a night race.

They settled for some dinner before Heikki allowed Seb to sleep for 2hours, usually he would keep him awake and focussed but the blonde boy was so worn out he almost fell asleep anyway. He just would have to make sure to get him set up for the drivers parade in time. Seb had slumbed down on the bed his breath even out for maybe 10 minutes indicating he was fast asleep as a little knock on the door made Heikki turn away from the book he was reading. He went to open and came face to face with a tired looking Kimi who rubbed his eyes.

“Moi.”

“Moi, how is Seb doing?” Kimi asked hoarsely. Heikki just stepped out of the way and let the fellow in who quickly scanned the room.

“You mind when I stay for a bit?” Kimi asked covering his mouth as he yawned.

“Go ahead, make yourself at home.” Heikki smiled sitting back down into the chair he had left just seconds ago. Kimi was looking out for his friend the entire weekend already and it wasn't Heikki's nature to judge but if asked he would say Kimi actually cared a lot about Sebastian. He seemed just as worried as Heikki was.

Christian had given him a lot of shit while Seb had been away to the driver's meeting and Heikki had simply gone along with it, since there was no excuse for the facts.

“I wish he wouldn't drive.” Kimi muttered with his head buried in his arms as he looked over from his own seat to the bed where Seb was curled up peacefully.

“We all do.” Heikki sighed waiting for Kimi to address the matter further but got no answer. As he looked up he saw him already asleep. Kimi must have been worried sick if he passed by to check on Sebastian just to fall asleep right there. Heikki knew once the Iceman had passed out not even a bomb could wake him, so he carefully, moved Kimi up and carried him over to the bed, lying him down next to Seb. He didn't want to be held responsible for Kimi having a sore neck from sleeping at the table or Mark Arnall eating him alive for that same matter. Heikki ruffled his hair before going back to his book, now watching out for two drivers instead of just one.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember what I pointed out in the previous chapter and to clear this up, I skipped the Kimi at Lotus stage for the story so Kimi is driving for Ferrari.

By now it were only 20 minutes left before the race would start and Heikki found himself leaning against the fence with Seb by his side while the press did their grid walk. Britta had made an effort and warned the jurnos to not stop by Sebastian and leave him to himself, to ensure he would have some privacy. He and Heikki had been running late anyway but so did Kimi who gave them a lift to the track. As usual Kimi didn't bother with arrival since he was starting from 18th but Seb had a pole to hold. A lot of cameras got thrown his way but no one approached him to talk.

He was leaning onto Heikki, face drained of all color in the dim light from the settling evening darkness. The artificial light on the track side was making his head spin, not the best options to be driving a car in his condition. Christian had asked him over and over again if Buemi should take his seat but he stubbornly refused to give in. He had to prove them. He would win this fucking race just to throw it back in their faces for making such a fuss in the first place. He had felt worse before a race so he tried not to worry to much but the heat and humidity of Singapore were getting to him.

“Remember to drink.” Heikki mumbled next to him, his arm casually wound around the drivers waist while for real he had a firm grip on Sebastian, expecting him to pass out before he would even get near the Red Bull. Seb didn't respond but Heikki felt him nod shortly, his head only inches from Heikki's shoulder, who was holding the umbrella with his other hand to avoid and irritate the camera's. The drink can was stashed in the pocket of Heikki's trousers, the straw resting between Sebastian's fingertips.

“At least take some sips now.” Heikki instructed, urging his protege on. Reluctlantly Seb put the mouthpiece between his lips taking a few pulls of liquid. It tasted like over sugared tea to him, making him squint his eyes shut the moment he swallowed it down his throat which felt like it just had a meeting with a piece of sandpaper. He hated that stuff.

Martin Brundle was rushing in their direction as Heikki looked up from his watch that counted down the remaining minutes. Heikki gave him a stern stare through his sunglasses, sterring Seb away from the fence over to the car, as it was his time to climb in. Thankfully the Brit just took the exit from the track near them instead of approaching them head on, his eyes nevertheless not leaving Seb who struggled putting his helmet on, the weight of it and the Hans device making him dizzy.

“Okay?” Heikki asked concerned as Seb lowered himself down into his seat.

“All fine.” Seb said as his Hans device was fixed into place behind the seat belts and the meachanic strapped him in, checking the drink bottle and everything else he needed to before letting Seb attach the wheel as the heating pats were taken away from the tyres and everyone gathered their stuff to leave the track. The next few minutes felt like the worst of the worst as the red lights were finally turned on and the grand prix was about to start. The light of the traffic light was burning bright against the night sky making his eyes itch before the countdown ran down and he eased his foot down onto the accelerator. It was now or never, take turn one and hold the pole Buemi got him.

The engine roared in his ears and the earpiece cracked as the team radio connected and the Red Bull shot forward towards Sheares. Sebastian hit the break pedal just in time to make the turn as Lewis was battling him on the inside. The yellow flags went off as the Brit finally moved out of the way and a red glim of a fire ball went off in the mirror of Sebs car as he turned heading straight into turn two. He slowed down and tried to understand what had happened. Just some touching or something serious? He was waiting for the red flags but instead the safety car headed straight in front of him slowing him down even more.

Sebastian pressed the button for the radio with shaking fingers. The fire glow had been quite far back at the end of the grid.

“What happened?” He yelled against the sound of the engine as he ran down the Republic Boulevard taking turn 5 sharply, his tyres screaming as they hit the Kerbs. Lewis pressing in on him down Raffles Boulevard and up to turn 6 and the Memorial Corner. The Safety car still in place.

 

“What the fuck happened?” Sebastian yelled again, getting angry over Lewis who seemed blind to the yellow flagged zone and the heading Mercedes SLS AMG of Bernd Mayländer.

“Lewis is pressing in on me! He should fuck off or I'm going to hit the next wall. Damn it!” Seb cursed still on the radio his head dizzy from the effort of keeping the car on the track, following the perfect line of the safty in front of him while the engine was slowly building up heat.

“We don't know yet!” Rocky finally came on the radio, his voice cracking and the quality utter shit. Seb could feel his blood run cold as they made it up the the Esplanada drive. That wasn't really happening, he must have missheard.

“What? Repeat Rocky!”

“We are sorry Seb, we don't know yet. Quality is poor.” Rocky repeated. Seb sight there wasn't much he could do, the race was going on and he already fucked up pace in turn 21 at the bay. Just 2 more corners and he would find out first hand anyway. Lewis was backing off finally slightly, Seb begged that he would get a penalty for being so pushy. The lights of the safty car still flaring in front of him as start-finish came into view, debree still strawn on the tarmarc. But he had no time to actually look what was about, he only sensed it must have been massive. One of the Lotus was still pressed into the wall with a crane just about to get it.

“It's not Kimi. It's Lotus. Kimi's car is red.” Seb tried to tell himself but the uneasy feeling wasn't vanishing, not after a red front wing came into view strawn carelessly into the gravel of turn 1. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes and the visor steaming slightly from his speed up breathing and tried to calm himself down.

“I'm sure imagining things. Kimi is going to be fine, he promised.” Seb whispered into his balaclava his voice swallowed from the roaring engine. Halfway through the 3rd lap the safty car pulled into the pitlane and the race was free again. He couldn't help but press down harder then necessary in the Singapore sling. As he rushed down Anderson bridge he yelled at Rocky again. He needed more information.

“Keep pushing Seb.” Rocky brushed it off.

“Fuck you Rocky what the fuck was up at start?”

“We have no infromation. 6 cars out from look of things. Stewards and FIA are looking into it.”

Seb wanted to smack his head back against the cockpit. It must have been bad if they all were under investigation. The sweat was pooling down his neck and the humidity was making matters only worse.

The more laps he made the more anxious he grew, there still was no information and at his first pit stop all they told him was again: under investigation and 6 cars out with another 2 DEF leaving 18 cars on track out of 25.

He was missing the perfect line for turn forteen in lap 35 and his tyres made contact with the gravel spilling tiny stones onto Lewis Hamilton who was still latched onto his backside like a lolipop.

“Seb remember to drink.” Rocky instructed. He didn't want to. He was terribly thristy and sweating like hell but he needed to get faster and gain tenths on Hamilton to maintain the gap for the leadership. Nevertheless he tried, spilling the drink everywhere because it was already burning hot.

“I can't its burning my mouth!” he shouted but missed to press the radio button, he didn't notice. The straw was making his lips itch and he licked them furiously without making any difference. The sudden fear hit him back in the face again. What was with Kimi? Was he alright?

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everybody ready for tissues?

Sebastian can't help himself but he's scared of the possibilities as he leads the next lap, the engine roaring behind him, his eyes fixed on the tarmarc in front of him with the lines rushing past him, the gear display switching and his throttle and brake device jumping up and down as he took turn 6 for the 38th time by now. His body functioning on automatic, but he had lost seconds whenever Rocky came on the radio. It took him too much to concentrate on the instructions his race engineer was giving. His mind fuzzy with dizziness.

“Lewis is closing in on you, 2 seconds difference, keep pushing before the DRS zone comes on.” Rocky ordered. Seb replied with a hasty: “Okay!” before flooring the pedal down the straight of St. Andrews road approaching turn ten.

The yellow flags come out again just as he brakes to slow down.

“Debree on track at corner 12 please be careful!” Rocky's voice is cracking and the connection dies. Sebastian sighs, he can see Lewis in his mirror pushing hard and he felt his tyres run down fast. The next pit stop wouldn't be too far away. He needed a fresh set of tyres but there was no safety car out just yet.

“Safety car?” Seb questioned his box.

“No, push push.” Seb floored the pedal again trying to get away from the Brit attached to his ass when the first rain drops smeared on his visor. Seb sighed once again, his head feeling heavy and the heat was pressing in on him, maybe the rain would cool down the area.

“Box next lap!” Rocky shouts, properly aware of the rain as the first wet patches start to form on the track. Sebastian tries to stay away from them as best as possible but it slows him down. His throat was scratching raw but the straw was somewhere inside his helmet, the hot liquid wetting the inside of his race overall as the G-Force pressed him to the side on the way up the bay. It was burning down his back, feeling like a traced kiss of fire before vanishing into nothingness, consumed by the heat of the running engine.

“Seb?” Sebastian didn't notice for a second his mind was too focused on the pain as he hit the apex, the front of his car swimming, as he braked and guided it back into the ideal line.

“Seb? Can you hear me?” Rocky asked, worried about the fault in Seb's drive, but the German couldn't listen, he felt as if half asleep and wide awake at the same time. There still was no news about the crash except for the numbers of cars that were out and his thoughts seemed to be glued to Kimi.

 

 

Kimi uncomfortable.

Kimi injured.

Kimi crashed.

Kimis car on fire.

 

 

He had no evidence, the stewards were still on the case, the debree gone but his mind worked franatically. No news meant bad news. Usually Rocky would say: “nico crashed.” or whoevers fate it had been but there was nothing, all options open.

 

In turn 22 he hit the brake too early again, seeing Hamilton fly past on the inside, their front wings only inches apart. He couldn't lose the lead just yet.

“Slow down let him pass through. He's faster then you and on fresh tyres.Remember to box.” Rocky tried to soothe him, as Hamilton overtook Sebastian, the Mercedes rushing past him in a heap of dust and a splash of water, the red back light fading away.

The heat and humidity from the rain seem to get stuck into Sebastian's helmet. He had difficulties to focus, his eyes were wet with tears, partly due to the wheather, partly because the thought of anything bad happening to Kimi was torturing his heart.

He never told Kimi how much he loved him. He never thanked him for all the support. He never showed him how much the finn meant to him.

The dark cloud over his head seemed to grow pitch black, the car slowed down a bit more, the tyres by now totally wasted away and still half a round was keeping him away from the pit lane. He saw Jenson waiting in his shadow, ready to jump at the opportunity.

“Are you ok?” Rocky asked seeing Sebastian's times decreasing. He knew they needed to switch to intermediates because it was pissing cats and dogs outside. The crew was already setting up everything for Sebastian's stop.

“Seb are you okay?” Rocky asked again as the next brake in the middle of the track occurred. Christian next to him frowned as well.

“Is he having problems with the gear box or something?”

“No everything looks fine.” the team principal answered, eyeing the data with confusion.

“Seb answer, is the radio working I cant hear you.” Rocky instructed again.

 

They watched Seb struggling through the next corner, Jenson flying past and pushing Seb back to the 4th in the list as Rosberg took the outline to snatch the 3rd place. Rocky was getting worried by now. It was just a few turns until the entry to the pitlane but something was terrible wrong with the young German.

Inside the car, Seb had problems to keep his fingers around the steering wheel, he was crying by now, his mind torn between focus that he couldn't really hold as Jenson past him and thoughts about how fucked up things were between him and Kimi. He wasn't aware of his hitching breathing nor about the tears that were soaking his balaclava, all that seemed evident was the feeling of his skin burning up. Rocky's voice seemed to blur around the edges as the pain in his chest intensified leaving Sebastian to gasp for air.

“I cant race, I cant make it, I quit , seriously let me drop out I cant take it.” Sebastian sobbed heavily, his finger finally coordinating with his brain as he pressed the button for the team radio, sobbing into Rocky's ear. His race engineer was shocked about the state of Sebastian, it was clear on his face. The anxiousness had shifted to pure concern.

“Calm down Seb.” Rocky soothed, trying to figure out what the problem was. The car seemed fine apart from the run down tyres but Sebastian just sobbed down the line, not able to utter anymore words. Rocky pushed one half of his ear piece aside, barking into the box.

“Someone get Heikki, now!”

“But why?” one of the mechanics dared to ask. Rocky was usually the only one allowed to talk on the team radio, even Christian who was listening in, looked just as shocked.

“I dont care get him! NOW!” Rocky yelled angrily watching Sebastian drop to 5th in the list, still sobbing inbetween. His thumb seemed to slip from the button for seconds before pressing hard enough down on it again, so the connection was partly broken.

The physio had been watching with a guarded expression in the backside, he had no idea what was happening on track as one of the technicians dragged him by his shirt and gestured wildly over to Rocky at the side. Heikki frowned following him over. Striding across the garage in 3 big steps it seemed and was still frowning as Rocky was yelling at him.

“Heikki you need to take over team radio! Seb is loosing it!”

What was going on?

The Finns eyes shot up to the monitors, seeing Seb far behind, as Rocky fiddled to plug Heikki's ear piece into the correct frequence.

 

Meanwhile Seb's mind was flooded with sheer terror and the heat of Singapore was making him pant heavily, his own sweat burning in his eyes. Stinging like needles all over his body. The world was swirling and he wasn't sure if he was still on track or already dreaming. He had to make it to the pits, he had to bring the car home. The last thing he remembered was yelling at Rocky to let him drop out, he wanted to stop the car. He couldn't go on. His hands were shaking and so were his legs. His body was still working but he had problems to see anything at all, no oxygen seemed to be drawn into his lungs.

“Seb? Seb can you hear us?” Heikki's voice drifted into the spinning blur of colors that were the German's vision, the rain drops splashing against his visor. Confused he tried to concentrate to push the radio button, not sure if he was on or not, which button he was even touching if it was one on the left or one on the right of the wheel.

His fingers cold and numb, did he even move them? His foot loosing grip on the brake pedal as the next turn with the blinking back light of the car in front of him came into view. Sebastian yelped in surprise, breaking again hard, feeling the left tyre loosing grip in a puddle of water as the car spun to the side knocking all air out of him and tipping his mind into a daze.

He hit the barrier, the impact so harsh his head was torn forwards against the hold of the Hans device and it knocked all sense out of him, the force turning his car around, carbon splattering everywhere as his car was pushed across the track again, the nose coliding into the opposite wall finallly bringing the car to a halt. In his shock, Seb had pushed the accelerator instead of the break pedal before the forcefull push against his neck had dragged him into unconsciousness.

“Oh fuck!” Rocky and Heikki both gasped as the drama unfolded on screen,

.

Massa who was driving right behind Sebastian's Red bull avoided contact as he rushed through the debree continuing his lap.

Rocky's hand was on Heikki's arm clamped down hard in disbelief as he switched the channels back.

“Seb are you okay? Let us know if you are okay?” They waited anxiously for a movement from the cockpit.

“He needs to get out!” Heikki almost chocked on his own words. “He needs to.” The Finn was frozen in place next to a shocked Christian, who had his hand clambed over his mouth in disbelief and a feverishly talking Rocky who tried to get a response from the German driver. Half the garage was holding it's breath by now as marshalls got on the scene. Their orange overalls bright against the rain and artificial light of the track in the night.

Some cleared away the debree, others surrounded Seb's cockpit like a swarm of glow worms in the dark, their jackets projecting the light as the doctor arrived on the scene. His red overall a flash in the darkness.

The yellow flags came out and so did the safety car now leading the field as everybody awaited news. The red flag was drawn by the marshalls on screen only minutes later, breaking up the race and stopping it for now as the phone next to Christian went off confirming their worst. The helicopter was ordered to take Seb into the medical unit, who was still in the car and surrounded by paramedics.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

All eyes in the garage were on Christian awaiting the news. The team principal was sure that Sebastian's physio was trying his hardest to glare holes in his face from the look of things.

“They are flying him straight out to the hospital.” Christian announced as everybody turned with gasps to the entry of the box.

Standing there in the pouring down rain, with his helmet in hand and sporting all the glory of his red racing suit ,was Ferrari's driver Kimi Räikkönen, who simply ignored everyone around him as he shoved his way towards the side, where Christian was sitting.

“What the hell...” Rocky started but was cut short when Heikki shook his head at him. He knew exactly why Kimi was here.

“How bad is it?” the Finn inquired quietly his voice almost hissing, eyes cold as ice fixed on the head of the team. Christian gaped at him in surprise.

“How bad!” Kimi demanded a little louder now. They were aware that all cameras from the pitlane were probably directed onto them right now, as Heikki still in shock himself took a step forwards to put his hand on his fellows shoulder.

“They are taking him to the hospital.” Chrstian repeated as calm as he could, nevertheless his voice was strained, the nerves showing. The event's getting to him as well.

Kimi gave a sharp nood before turning around, making an attempt to leave but Heikki hold him back.

“I'm going to the hospital and will ring you up on the details while the race is still on.” Heikki said, barely waiting for the nod of confirmation, as he followed Kimi out and down the pitlane to the exit, already rumarging in his trousers pockets for the car key.

“Kimi don't you need to race?” Heikki tried as he had finally caught up with the driver.

“I don't care about the fucking race, will put car as DEF. Team can deal with press.” Kimi muttered. Heikki didn't say anything.

“Just drive to the fucking hospital okay?” Kimi huffed throwing the helmet and the HANS on the backseat as soon as Heikki had unlocked the Infiniti, flopping down on the passenger seat with a sigh as Heikki slid into the drivers side, to kick the engine up.

Neither one of them spoke as they broke almost every speed limit making their way to the hospital nearest to the track.

Kimi wished he would have taken his sunglasses with him but he had gotten out of the car and left for the Red Bull garage as soon as he had seen the lists on display with Sebastian's name all in red. When Kimi had passed the accident there hadn't been time to look out for what was happening, he had to slow down enough to follow the safety car into the pitlane as the race was broken up and take care not to crash into anyone in the process. All he remembered was the tiny bit of hope and the voice in his head repeating rapidly: “Please not Seb!” just to find his hopes crushed as his gaze flickered onto the screens.

“Did he get out.” Kimi wondered out aloud.

“Huh?” Heikki barely turned his head towards him, too concentrated to not flip the Infiniti into a crash with both of them.

“Did Seb get out after the crash?” Kimi asked.

“No...no he didn't.” Heikki sighed, his breath catching in his chest as he spoke and turned the engine off as soon as they stopped in front of the hospital enterance, just a few feet away, to not get into the way of approaching ambulances. The physio pressed the central locking, not looking back for check up as he followed Kimi in, who already marched his way through the lobby to approach the front desk.

“Where's the ER?” Kimi asked, voice low almost angrily but thick with desperation. The receptionist just looked at Kimi in disbelief, her eyes big as saucers trying to get a grip on the situation it seemed.

“We are looking for Sebastian Vettel he was supposed to be admitted to your care via helicopter directly from the race track.” Heikki told her, showing his Red Bull ID to her.

That seemed to do the job, because she started looking up informations on her computer before she nodded and showed them the direction to the ER in half broken english layered with a big french accent. At least Sebastian was here, now they just had to know in what condition he was.

Heikki remained a step behind Kimi as they made their way through corridors. He could see the tension in his body mounting up high the closer they got to the ER. He didn't feel that much different himself, it was just now that he realized, that he was actually still wearing his headphones and everything else. Kimi didn't stop but pushed right through the swing doors entering the ER ward which was buzzing with people rushing around. They didn't even get as far as to the front desk before one of the nurses stopped them, obviously knowing right away who it was they were looking for.

“I'm sorry but we are still working on the case. No visitors, please take a seat.” she blurt out straight away.

Kimi was clenching his fist and Heikki locked his jaw but put a reassuring hand on his fellow for comfort anyway as he spoke up.

“Any news? I'm here on behalf of the team.” he insisted. The young girl shook her head leading them to a more private seating area.

“Great, no news!” Kimi huffed out aloud rubbing his fists over his racing suit.

“Doesn't always mean bad news.” Heikki tried to cheer him up.

“As if!” Kimi snorted, glaring around trying to take the room in through the shadow of anxiousness.

“What actually happened out there? Did you see anything?” Heikki asked after a while.

“No, I was too far behind to see anything and I couldn't see anything when I passed because of the traffic behind the safety car leading us into the pitlane.” Kimi replied rubbing his temples. The passing by time without news was giving him a head ache. He fought the urge to cry just from the merry overload of emotions.

 

“What about the team? Was there any problem with the car?” Kimi asked, trying to find a reasonable excuse for the crash. Heikki gritted his teeth as he shuffled his feet under his chair.

“No the data was ok, the telemetry too. He did a couple of mistakes before, there was a break failure when he lost his first position and the car seemed to be a bit off the ideal line, but nothing else. The next thing I know is Rocky called me over to the team radio saying I should talk to him because he would be losing it, but the quality was so poor I couldn't hear him at all. Just a lot of noise and something that could have been sobbing, but Rocky had no time to even tell me anything that happened before I got onto the channel because the drama was already unfolding on track.” Heikki pressed out, sighing deeply.

“He shouldn't have raced.” both of them muttered at the same time, locking their gazes together with a hidden sadness neither one of them dared to adress, even if the elefant was already in the room.

“I will see if they'll give me any information and fetch a coffee. Do you want one as well? I have the feeling we are in for a while.” Heikki asked as he got to his feet.

“Whatever.” Kimi muttered not denying the request but not accepting it either, he was chewing away on his bottom lip.

 ***

It was 5h later when Christian arrived that they were given any information at all. Kimi was pacing the room and Heikki was staring out of the window, his head filled with doubts. He should have objected. He should have done something to stop Sebastian from driving but the German had been so determined.

It also was Christian who finally filled them in and arranged for Heikki to get the updates the moments there were any, because the team principal was already on the way to leave.

The Brit wanted to stay, he really wanted but the press was waiting and the garage needed to be undone and then again there were several meetings with the FIA awaiting him.

“You guys keep watch and Kimi you better call your boss he's freaking out all across the paddock. For now only one of you is allowed to go and see him.” Christian told before he left. Heikki and Kimi were looking at each other for a long while, still processing the news Red Bulls team principal had shared, but also weighing up the options who had the right to go first.

“Go Kimi. Go and see him.” Heikki gave him a small smile and a nod. He knew how much Seb meant to the Finn. He could hold back a little longer, wait a little more. It was his own doubts rooting him to the spot. Even if Christian had insisted that it wasn't Heikki's fault.

Kimi gasped for a moment before his eyes swept across the floor and down the hallway.

“Kiitos.” he mumbled before following the nurse to Sebastian's room.

He was still kept in a special intensive care unit, near the ER, actally it was just down the corridor and Kimi's heart was beating faster as he approached the door. His eyes were already watering as he laid eyes on his best friend and the person he loved.

A fragile frame almost invisible in the hospital bed, swallowed up by machinery and tubes attached to him. The heart rate monitor constantly buzzing in a low rhythm.

Kimi pulled a chair out to the right side of the bed as he sat down with a thud, taking Seb's hand into his own. The German's eyes were closed and his blonde curls still clung to his forhead. Kimi couldn't help but take in all the tubes and different IV's and machines.

This was bad and it was more than that. He didn't know if Seb would hear him, Christian's words still echoing in the back of his mind: “They put him into coma as a precaution.”

 

“Hi Sebbi.” Kimi spoke softly, his thumb drawing unknown patterns onto the back of the young boys hand.

“You know, your car is shit. Looks like crap. You would be so mad if you could see it. They stopped the entire race you know. I didn't even bothered starting a new. Christian was here some minutes ago. He said Brocedes and RoGro shared the podium but no one opened the champagne bottle. They all are chickens you know. No party without you German boy.” Kimi gulped heavily. The beating of Seb's heart as normal and passive as before.

“I miss you. I already miss your stupid jokes and all the stuff we did. I want to throw my ice cream at you. Damn I want to see you freak the fuck out about your team mate. I bet if you come around your head would be hurting like fuck, but they would make it ache anyway. So not so bad huh.” Kimi had fallen silent for some time, trying to fight back the tears.

“I know you are a tough cookie and I know you wanted to be the best. I just wish you wouldn't have driven today. You know fuck the car, fuck the team. No Grand Prix is important enough to get you in this state. I wish you could see yourself. All bones and bruises. You knocked your head quite bad and damn that black eye, I will lend you my sunglasses I swear.” Kimi huffed a strangled laugh through the tears that were falling freely down his face by now. His breath catching in his chest as sadness washed over him.

“Hey you stubborn little shit. I know I wasn't fair. I wasn't fair on you. I should have told you. But how do you say such things. Feelings and shit. Sebbi I'm not good with this stuff. I never wanted to hurt you. You are perfect, you were perfect. I just want to make you perfect again. I love you Seb. I love you so much.” Kimi sobbed into the duvet, clinging onto Sebastian's hand, holding it tightly.

“You are not allowed to leave me. You keep fighting!” Kimi sobbed, all guards down. He kept on bubbling with no sense how much time passed, before a nurse entered, handing him a tissue and guiding him out of the room. Heikki was still in the waiting room, a sympathic smile on his lips as he hugged Kimi.

“He will make it. The docs are saying he's strong. They will get him all fat and whiney and before we know it he will be asking for his playstation and to be back at home.” Heikki soothed.

***

Indeed Heikki wasn't way too wrong. They kept Sebastian sedated for 3 days, running all sort of tests to role out any more damage.

No team principal or whoever was able to hold Kimi responsible for any of his actions. He would have quit Ferari right there and then if it would have made him stay with Sebastian. He barely left the hospital at all apart from changing clothes in the hotel and falling asleep on Heikki in the waiting area when Sebastian's test were run.

The worst part was the force of the impact that kept everyone worrying but it soon became clear from the footage that Sebastian had passed out before he actually had hit the wall and the doctors confirmed that he passed out due to dehydration and being so heavily underweight. Nevertheless they got enough IV foodie bags into him to help him regain control and Heikki's forecast soon became reallity.

The first thing Seb saw as he woke up was Kimi. Kimi stroking his hair with so much love in his eyes and suddenly he remembered that weird dream of Kimi talking to him and also Heikki talking to him who stood at the other end of the room.

 

“I love you.” Seb whispered as he blinked sleepily up at Kimi who was crying again.

“I love you too.” Kimi mouthed almost inaudible before Seb slowly turned around spotting Heikki.

“I'm sorry hockeybutt.” Seb whispered as Heikki spun around and rushed back to the bed.

“I'm so glad you are back around.”

“I want my Playstation.” Seb mocked as the nurse of duty entered and fussed around with him.

“You get whatever you want.” Heikki and Kimi replied.

 

“I'm sorry I was stupid.” Seb admitted a while later.

He knew he had done them wrong and he knew he had a lot of way to go but Kimi would love him and help him through and so would Heikki. He could fight the fatal desire. He could get back to his old self again, even if it would mean no more racing for a far while.

***

Seb had a hard time to pull through all the promises he made and keeping away from the car was one of the worst commitments, but seeing Kimi dedicating every win to him was enough reward for him to pull through his rehab.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is finally the end. It might be a bit short chipped but then again this story was never suppossed to get that long in the first place. It only ever started of as One shot. I wanted to thank everyone who helped me pull through and everyone who took time to read and I loved all your replies. And I hope you did enjoy the last lines.


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